Riftbound Player Who Went 0-3 at Locals Confused That He Has No Teammates to Blame
Lake City, Florida — Silver rank, Master Yi-main Billy Helminster was baffled last night as he came in dead last at his local Riftbound local championship without any teammates to drag him down. “It was so bizarre,” Helminster claimed, “There was nobody to steal my farm, feed the enemy, or take the lane that I claimed. So why did I lose so badly?”
Mr. Helminster explained to us how closely Riftbound matches the video game it’s based on, League of Legends. “You control a team of Champions by playing cards directing them towards different battlefields, as opposed to League where you yell at them in team chat until they get up off their asses and protect you from the Teemo. You pick the objectively best champ in the game first so no inferior players pick them instead, and you run head-long at the enemy to kill them before they kill you, as long as your supports do their jobs. Pretty simple, right? But it’s the damnedest thing when you have to do the support’s jobs yourself, and you lose anyway!”
Billy’s deck, a Yasuo, Unforgiven Guide late-game assembled from whatever he had read was good online, floundered against the local meta consisting of players who knew how to play the game properly, explained opponent Melissa Donovan. “I mean, if he had just showed up with a trial deck unaltered, that’d at least be something. I’m not entirely sure why he ran 3 copies of Tasty Faefolk? Maybe because he read it was good with Master Yi and forgot who his champion was?” She simply shrugged during our interview, and continued, “Not that it mattered, he always conceded the game after his champ died once.”
The previous week was an actual team game, which Billy had actually miraculously won due the hard work and strategic mind of his randomly-chosen teammate, Name Withheld. “I remember when I had to carry Name,” Billy told us, “The rng that the store uses always places me with worse teammates to force a 50/50 winrate, but I could do the job for us both.” We were unable to get an interview with Mrs. Withheld , but her husband Rupert Withheld told us that she had spent the rest of the evening meditating in their car, repeating the mantra “The opinions of League players do not matter. They are like a droplet flowing off of a leaf in a rainstorm.”
As Mr. Helminster looks to the future, he seems confident in its path. “This game is stupid, anyway. Hardly any skill, it’s all just based on whatever you top deck. If unskilled players could beat me so easily, there must be something wrong with how it’s designed. I considered jumping over to Lorcana, but the store preemptively banned me from participating, so I did a little bit of research and found out about the Dota card game Artifact. Now there’s a game that’ll stand the test of time! Catch me streaming it every night on Youtube!”
