Realistic Human Themed Deck Has No Interaction 

Naomi Krause • November 3, 2023

Satire

TRI-STATE AREA - A spicy new Kyler, Sigardian Emissary

Humans primer is sweeping game stores across the tri-state area with the very original idea of having as little interaction with your opponents as possible.

We caught up with the deck's architect, who reluctantly agreed to comment so long as we left her alone.

"I was gonna run a bunch of hatebears, but then I realized that'd involve considering my opponents' point of view, and I'm just really not up for that right now," said very bad player Naomi Krause. "Also I guess I believe that humanity is inherently good and Generous Gift

is inherently bad."

The deck is a strange pillowfort/weenies hybrid that prefers to just do its own thing until someone tries to bug them, whereupon it puts an end to that as soon as humanly possible.

"The build was originally centered around a Midnight Guard

combo," added Faustus, the mad scientist who lives in Krause's basement. "But every time we tried making plans with him, he said, 'Haha yeah that'd be fun!' then ghosted us for a month, so that never came together. You ever read a friend's text then get anxious about it and wait way too long to respond so now it's weird? That's the vibe we're going for. That's how we win." 

"We don't want to give anyone the impression that Commander is an interactive format." said Wachel Reeks, member of the Commander Wadvisory Group who definitely really said this stuff. "If someone plays a counterspell or board wipe, I slash that bitch's tires. Wah." 

Tune in next week when we debate whether or not saccing stolen creatures constitutes a war crime. 

Naomi Krause

Naomi Krause

Head of the Cephalid Advisory Group, which somehow outlived the Commander one??? follow @naomeatmybutt.bsky.social to see when i put my journalism degree to good use by publishing card game peepee jokes