Wizards Quietly Cancels Planned Collaboration With Bad Dragon

Jon Ruggiero • October 18, 2023

Renton, WA - Wizards of the Coast confirmed that they had to discontinue a new Universes Beyond product they planned to create with Bad Dragon, the fantasy sex toy brand.

Bad Dragon spokesperson Andrea Quintillo revealed that the company had recently spoken to game company Wizards of the Coast regarding their Universes Beyond promotion.

"Once we heard about Universes Beyond we knew we had to be a part of it," explained Quintillo while being flanked by the largest commercially available sex toys in existence. "Our products feature the members of many powerful dragons, otherworldly creatures, and majestic Earth creatures like horses. We were so excited to see art depicting the rest of their bodies! We also hoped this partnership would lead to a new line of products for us; we had been working on an entire line of sex toys based on Phyrexian genitals."

In response to the revelation, Wizards spokesperson Trent Crosby responded with a press release earlier today.


"It's true we heard a pitch from Bad Dragon and turned it down. As recently discussed by designer Mark Rosewater we rarely turn down opportunities to work with new companies for our Universes Beyond sets and decks. Unfortunately this is a partnership we had to stop.

"We were given a great pitch by the Bad Dragon people; you should see the number of awesome legendary dragons they showed off to us! We were very impressed and wanted to learn the stories of Haiku the River Dragon, Vector the Cyber-Unicorn, and Demon Dick. Unfortunately we did not know the true nature of Bad Dragon products until we Googled them, realizing then and there we had to terminate the partnership. We prefer to f*ck customers directly rather than having them f*ck themselves."

As of this writing, three members of Bad Dragon's staff have been hospitalized after testing Phyrexian genital prototypes.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.