Wizards of the Coast Release Shares of a Collector's Edition Stock with Retro-Frame

Paul Perjuns-Tart • November 18, 2022

Bank of America's downgrade of Hasbro's stock has been on the minds of Magic: the Gathering players, and many are wondering how WotC will respond. Will they address the reasons BofA cited for the double-downgrade? We can exclusively confirm that Wizards of the Coast has issued a response to the downgrade by announcing it will now sell shares of a new retro-framed, foil variant of the original stock.

"We're not too worried," WotC CFO Daniel Thasburg said. "Many players let us know well in advance that we were going to tank the long-term value of our cards by printing so much product so quickly. So, naturally we had a contingency plan. In the event the Hasbro stock took a nosedive, we planned on releasing a special collectors edition stock. Unlike the original stock, this comes in the weirdly beloved retro-framed border with double rainbow foiling.

A few people have mentioned that this move doesn't make any sense and illustrates just how little we know about financial systems. Though they're absolutely right, we're going to go against the grain like we usually do and assume we're the smartest people ever. Plus, making different versions of existing stuff and slapping foil on it is basically the only thing we know how to do around here."

The announcement came like many other Magic: the Gathering product announcements.

"This new special edition stock will come in randomized packs to retain the spirit of Magic: the Gathering: gambling. Rather than buying one share at the stock's current price, players will buy a pack containing several shares all worth a random amount along with an ad-share to remind you to buy more. Even though there's little to no chance that your pack of random fractional shares will exceed the price you paid for the pack, the price of those shares may go up! At least that's how we think the stock market works, right? For our Commander players, we're going to be selling preconstructed stock portfolios with one fairly decent share and 99 worthless penny stocks."

Players who mainly stick to the digital frontier were curious if they too would be able to participate.

"Don't worry, Magic Arena players. You, too, will be able to purchase shares of our new collector's edition stock. Players will be able to purchase gems, then trade those gems for shares of the stock. Due to the limitations of our technology, however, once stock is purchased it cannot be transferred to other accounts or traded for any kind of value whatsoever. But don't worry, we're going to be selling Arena-exclusive parallax versions for, like, $10 each, or something.

"Additionally, our Secret Lair treatment of these stocks will available in foil and non-foil variants for the sect of players who like their shares to lay flat. Unlike other Secret Lairs, this version will not be print to order because it's, like, close to Christmas or something. We're hoping the limited quantity will alert scalpers to warm up their eBay accounts to begin the price gouging. Once the sale ends, purchasers can expect an email in about a year or so letting them know why it's taking so long to get their product shipped."

Many market analysts, confused at the announcement and distribution method, requested clarification given the unprecedented nature of their response.

"To be clear, the shares of our super-duper special edition stock aren't actually real shares on the stock market. Instead these are merely collectors memorabilia we're releasing to give our players an experience as though they were actually trading stocks. We're counting on our players with way too much money to keep assuming these have some kind of value to trade back and forth for a profit."

For more terrible financial advice, go to pauperjumpstart.com

Paul Perjuns-Tart is often told he’s small for his age despite being 41, earning him the nickname “Lil’ P.P.” on the count of his size and initials. Recently trapped under an upside down glass, he was forced to write for pauperjumpstart.com where he’s rewarded with tortillas and spoonfuls of peanut butter so long as he doesn’t try to escape. When he’s not running across a keyboard like that scene in the movie Big, he’s printing out mean internet comments for his scrapbook. Magic: The Gathering.