BREAKING: WotC Erratas ‘Union Of The Third Path’ To ‘Family Of The Third Path’
RENTON, WA — A surprising rules shakeup was announced outside of the usual Banned and Restricted cycle yesterday when Hasbro CEO and amateur fart sommelier Chris Cocks announced that the company had retained notorious anti-worker law firm Fisher Phillips. Effective immediately Union of the Third Path will be renamed Family of the Third Path.
UnIoNs ArE bAd – Class Traitors, Bosses, and Confederates
“We just think an update to the language on this card would really show our shareholders what we value,” Cocks pontificated while breathing deeply from a glass jar labeled 2019, Woman, 25, Norway. “Union is such a combative, nasty word. My son hates me, but he still takes my allowance money every week. That’s the sort of long term devotion we want from our wage slaves and code monkeys. They should be grateful to have a roof over their heads to toil under. My dad made me sleep outside under the car and kept the garage empty.”
The move comes in wake of the Arena Development Team announcing they had voted to unionize and were seeking recognition from their parent company. Rather than meet the need for recognition, Cocks and the suits have decided to pay an undisclosed amount of money to a global law firm because this is totally about the bottom line and not class warfare at all. International anti-worker law firms are notoriously cheap, after all. They might even be doing this pro-bono.
Union representatives could not be reached for comment due to high workload, but an inside investigation by Commander’s Herald has determined that every single signatory of the union paperwork is just so hot. Not only are they all visually perfect human beings but also are just really good people who call their families, let you pick your favorite color to play as in board games, message first, and will totally drive you to the airport if you ask. Also they smell nice and own a dog.
An anonymous source within Wizards who agreed to speak with Commander’s Herald under the condition of anonymity tells us the changes are planned to go into effect early next week. “Luckily our overlords in the c-suit have it all figured out. Rather than give us holiday bonuses this year, they have graciously allowed us to hire the Pinkertons to go to every Magic players house and destroy any existing copies of the leftist propaganda Union of the Third Path. It only cost us all one college tuitions worth of debt each! We are so lucky to work making magic the gathering with our family. I was particularly glad when Grand Master Cocks told me my boyfriend in accounting is now my family. A wedding would have been expensive and now i can use that to tip my union buster! Please don’t take my healthcare and make me face the job market again. I would kill a puppy with my bare hands in front of a 6 year old rather than talk about how enthusiastic i am to exploit money out of a customer base.”
Woah that’s wild – how did this get in here?
Employees at the card game giant were effusive in their praise of the company, but there are worrying signs on the horizon that all might not be as it seems. Google searches in Washington for “how to build a guillotine” and “was the unabomber really that bad?” have gone up twenty thousand percent in the last year, and several local “book clubs” have popped up in the Renton area looking for discussion on the causes of the French Revolution.
