Touch Starved Kobold Longs For Early Levels of Campaign
In our ongoing reporting on the loneliness epidemic among low-level Dungeons and Dragons miniatures, we talked to a kobold mini who hasn't been taken out of storage in over a year. The tiny plastic figure belongs to dungeon master Elizabeth Morello, whose party is currently level 9. Baring his little plastic soul to us, he spoke of a deep, unrelenting loneliness.
Kobold Mini Longs For Touch Of Dungeon Master
Most of the mini's longing centers around Morello, who frequently moved the mini around battle maps during the campaign's early days. "Elizabeth always used to pull me and the other kobolds out to spend lots of time carefully arranging us for ambushes. Then, all battle long, she'd scoot us around with her long, elegant fingers. On one momentous occasion, when the party had killed me, she picked me up and just held me in her hand for a full round. It was the happiest day of my life."
"But now I just sit in my little storage cubby awaiting the day she needs me again." The mini continued, looking wistfully into the distance. "I haven't seen the warm glow of the basement lights in so long, I barely remember what it's like. The feel of the vinyl battle map beneath my feet is like a distant dream. But most of all, I miss the feeling of being held by my dungeon master. My Elizabeth."
When asked about the possibility of being used by others, he was receptive. "Early on, I only desired the touch of Elizabeth. Now, I crave the touch of any human. Perhaps someday a party member will roll up a kobold adventurer and pull me from this infernal prison. Even the clammy sweat-covered hands of Jared would be like heaven after such a long period of remaining untouched."
Even The Bad Times Seem Good
Despite his longing to return to the campaign, the mini admitted the world outside his storage container wasn't always perfect. "Of course, there was the great Mountain Dew flood of 2021. I was there when it happened. Torrents of green sugary liquid covered everything. Some of the figures are still sticky to this day. It was a true calamity."
"Now I'd take a disaster like that again just to feel the warm embrace of humanity," the mini lamented. "The outside world holds perils. Elizabeth's dog Bob Chewhart has destroyed many of my kind. Not to mention those lost forever in the caverns between her couch cushions. But just to be touched one more time, I would gladly face all of those dangers and more."
Still Hopeful After All This Time
Despite his long period of disuse, the neglected mini remains hopeful. "I have faith that I will see the glorious fields of the gaming table again. Perhaps the party will wipe and start fresh. Or Elizabeth will run Tucker's Kobolds. My day will come, and it will be glorious."
"Some miniatures become bitter about being detained for so long," the kobold told us. "But I hold no ill will towards my dungeon master. I know that deep down, she yearns for those low-level encounters we experienced together. Until she returns me to my rightful place I must endure my loneliness."
Others React To The Mini's Plight
One dire rat miniature claims that the kobold is delusional for believing he'll ever be used again. "Dungeon masters only go for high-level monsters once they get a little experience," the rodent mini lamented. "Us low-level monsters are just stepping stones for new parties."
We also discussed the situation with a red dragon miniature, who had little sympathy for his fellow draconic miniature. "He's just upset that beta monsters like him don't get any action. It's not his fault he's so pathetic and tiny, but I wish he'd stop whining about it. He should feel lucky he got used at all, there's a pack of gnolls she hasn't even taken out of the box. What can I say, some of us are just manufactured as superior monsters."
When asked for comment about the likelihood of using her kobold mini again, Morello was dismissive. "Oh yeah, I forgot I had that little guy. I'm not against using kobolds again or anything, it's just that their challenge rating is like 1/8th. I'd have to throw a hundred of them at my party at this point. Plus I just bought this kick ass guardian naga mini I really want to use."
The weekend after our interview, Morello's party met for their weekly Dungeons and Dragons session. They fought a cult of evil naga. No kobolds were sighted at the table.
