Tarot Reader Using Magic Cards Sees Financial Ruin In Your Future

Jon Ruggiero • November 6, 2023

Satire
Pavel Danilyuk

Phoenix, AZ - A local mystic working a booth at the state fair has given readings of the future of customers using Magic: The Gathering cards, and the readings all involve some kind of financial trouble.

Soothsayer Ainsley Harmot, using the professional name Raffine, Scheming Seer

, has been using various cards to perform readings over the years and noticed something peculiar whenever using Magic cards.

"Though I have the power to peer through depths

, reach through mists
, and sift through sands
, the tools I use may be considered unspeakable to others," said Raffine, smelling vaguely of Nag Champa and seaweed. "Traditional mystics use tarot decks, and cartomancy practitioners use a deck of playing cards. I use some extra draft chaff to see into people's personal lives and glean what I can using my gift of Foresight
. The problem is whatever I do, all I see is people throwing their money into a fire or spending $250 on a pauper deck."

A recent customer of Raffine's, Sam Darcey, spoke about why he got a reading, and why he was at the state fair in the first place.

"I heard someone was doing Magic card readings and knew I wanted one for myself," claimed Darcey while biting into a sugar-coated deep-fried cactus. "The fair is one of my favorite times of the year. I get to spend so much money on dangerous rides, unhealthy food, and games with prizes most likely made from asbestos. I wanted to get a card reading as soon as I saw the sign. I was absolutely shocked when I heard I was going to have problems with finance in the future: I'm usually so good with money! Now I'm probably only going to buy two collector boosters for Rivals of Ixilan."

As of press time, Raffine declared that she figured out a new scheme to sell premium foil readings for twice the price.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.