SpongeBob Squarepants, Nautical Nonsense on A Budget - Fourteen Cards Under $14

Listen, I understand that SpongeBob cards being in Magic isn't for everyone. In the year 2025 we can say sentences like "My Lara Croft, Tomb Raider

Luckily, in the case of this SpongeBob Secret Lair, all of these cards are just re-skins, meaning they're alternate art versions of established cards. SpongeBob himself is actually Jodah, the Unifier

The Commander - SpongeBob Squarepants

So, like I mentioned before, SpongeBob is really Jodah, the Unifier

Gluntch, the Bestower - Jellyfish

When I first saw the Secret Lair lineup, I was surprised to see that SpongeBob's favorite Jellyfishing pastime was omitted, considering how prevalent it was in the show, so first on the list is Glunch, which naturally adds some fun to whatever table they glide onto. Plus, with the buff it gets from SpongeBob, this little guy could be smacking in for a lot of damage to close out a game!

Mocking Doppelganger - DoodleBob

A fan favorite character is none other than DoodleBob, so what better way to represent him in Magic than with a clone effect. Sure, in the show DoodleBob is a clone of SpongeBob himself, but thematically a copy spell that goads its target is just too perfect. We don't see our favorite Sponge get furious at someone too often, but that doodle really tested his patience in that classic episode.

Zara, Renegade Recruiter - The Flying Dutchman

Someone I really wanted to see featured in the drop was the notorious Flying Dutchman! A scurvy dog that shows up many times in the show to forcibly enlist the main gang on multiple occasions. Zara pulling creatures out of your opponents' hands to use for your own advantage fits really well with that character, and if you happen to take a legendary creature with that effect, then your commander can buff it to smack harder than ever.

The Indomitable - Flying Dutchman's Ship

Of course, you can't have the Flying Dutchman without his ship! Many fans will remember this for bringing us one of the best lines from the show: "Don't worry, captain, we'll buff out those scratches!" In this deck, since The Indomitable

Bulk Up - Blow Up Muscles

Speaking of beating down, Bulk Up

Red Death, Shipwrecker - Larry the Lobster

Since we're talking about bulking up, we can't forget Larry the Lobster! Throughout the show, SpongeBob would be pushed to emulate Larry, like with working out and even becoming a lifeguard. Red Death's ability to goad a creature, allowing its controller to draw a card, feels like the prefect workout buddy. Plus, you'll be gaining some red mana to help drive your gameplan forward; now that's the lobster way!

Djeru and Hazoret - Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy

It's a fish! It's a boat! No, wait, it's the two aged superheroes Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! In the show, we know these two of being relatively slow and hapless, but every once and a while they came through to save the day. Whether it was calling hordes of sea creatures to aid them, or by falling into the solution they just so happen to need at that time, Djeru and Hazoret

Thassa, God of the Sea - Neptun

Another powerful member of the SpongeBob cast is Neptun himself, which luckily has a direct comparison to Thassa in Magic! Smoothing out your draws is very useful, but that second ability to allow one of your creatures to be unblockable for a turn can help you finish a game. Since your commander can grow your whole board, giving the biggest member of your team a free attack can truly change the game.

Goreclaw, Terror of Qal Sisma - Sea Bear

From one all-powerful being to another, next up we have the Sea Bear, or in this case Goreclaw. Not only does it assist you with casting the bigger legends you may have in your hand, but it can also give your board +1/+1 and trample. In this deck, making sure you are getting your attackers through will be the main way you end the game. You just better hope your opponents aren't sitting in a sand circle (if you haven't seen that episode, you probably have no clue what I'm talking about.)

Marvo, Deep Operative - Squilliam Fancyson

Someone that Squidward might hate more than that Sea Bear is Squilliam Fancyson. Those two are constantly clashing whenever they're on screen, which fits perfectly with Marvo. Plus, since your deck is filled with a lot of expensive spells, you'll most likely come out on top when you go head-to-head with your opponents!

Grothama, All-Devouring - Alaskan Bull Worm

A spell you'd like to reveal while clashing is probably Grothama, or in this case the Alaskan Bull Worm! It's big, it's scary, it's pink, and it gives other creatures the opportunity to fight it during combat. As we know, winning that fight is easier said than done, so if your foes know what's good for them, they might just take their playmat and push it somewhere else!

Lavaspur Boots - Squeaky Boots

Many creatures in this deck will be removal magnets, so giving them a little more protection with ward 1 is nice. However, Lavaspur Boots also gives you the opportunity to staple haste onto one of your huge threats. While these boots will be annoying for the other players to deal with, I would be surprised if it drives any of them as mad as Mr. Krabs.

Commander Sofia Daguerre - Mrs. Puff

A character that SpongeBob definitely drove crazy was his driving instructor Mrs. Puff. A constant stream of crash landings gets highlighted with this creature's enters ability. Destroying another legendary permanent and turning it into junk fits too well with the flavor. On top of that, she's a great card to cascade into, or just cast straight up, since it has flash!

The Shire - The Krusty Krab

Closing things out with another crossing of universes, we have The Shire as a stand-in for the Krusty Krab. Not only is it perfectly on theme due to being legendary, but it also gives your creatures the opportunity to jump into the restaurant's kitchen and fry up some food! While you might not make too many tokens with this land, it's still nice to have the opportunity to gain some life back in case your nautical nonsense gets too out of control.

In Closing

I hope you enjoyed this trip to Bikini Bottom as much as I have! If you're planning on buying the Secret Lair drops, you might not have any leftover funds to throw at a whole new deck. However, if you follow this list, you'll be getting up to some on-theme debauchery in no time! All for a price that even Mr. Krabs would be willing to pay.

Let me know how I did in the comments and if I missed your favorite moment or character from SpongeBob (I'm sure I did). If you want to see some of the cards I considered adding to the fourteen, you can check out the full list on my Archidekt right here!