Richard Garfield Hesitant to Be Next Father Figure to Reject JD Vance
Manasquan, NJ — Poor, poor JD Vance. Surely there must come a breaking point…
Rumors are circulating that Richard Garfield, creator of Magic: The Gathering, could become the latest father figure to reject Vice President JD Vance.
An anonymous source intimately familiar with the thoughts of Mr. Garfield, who is also him, had this to say to the Herald, “I learned that JD played Magic as a youngster, and that was pretty cool. Yawgmoth’s Bargain player, sure, but that’s not a crime in most jurisdictions.”
“However, then I read that he ‘dropped [Magic] like a bad habit’ in order to get girls. What a loser! With this public association with my game, I began to wonder if I should get off the couch–not in the way he does– and reject him. Maybe he’d learn something?”
The very anonymous source continued, “I mean, golly, JD, have some courage in your convictions! Vice Presidents are by no means famous for their backbones, but you are just gelatinous! Don’t drop everything about yourself to please people who already hate you! And by the way, Magic was probably the least of your problems with women… have you been to an LGS lately?”
With all this anonymous passion, why does Garfield feel hesitancy to reject him?
“Look, the guy’s a pathetic dweeb, absolute dithering wimp, an S-tier sycophant with no real beliefs except what Peter Thiel uploads to his Neuralink. But I don’t want to be the one to push him over the edge, you know? And you can see it in his eyes, if you look past the eye shadow. The sadness. He’s close. I don’t need that on my conscience.”
Should Mr. Garfield follow through with the Daddy disowning, he’d join a litany of father figures that have similarly rejected JD over his 41 years on our planet, including Chuck E. Cheese for pissing in the ball pit, Larry, his tee ball coach for pissing in the ball pit, and numerous Yale Law School professors for — you guessed it.
And these paternal protests have not slowed down well into his Vice Presidency. After Pope Francis opted to die rather than spend another waking minute in the same room as JD, there was some hope that the new American Pope, Pope Leo, would be a touch friendlier to the Veep.
That has not been the case, as Leo rejected Vance’s justifications for the disastrous war in Iran and turned down Vance’s invitation to the 250th anniversary of the United States celebration, citing his need to go buy some cigarettes and milk.
Asked if the Pope’s decision to humiliate Vance to the world would have any effect on his decision, Garfield responded, “No, no, but it did inspire me. I am happy to announce my newest game: Popespan! It’s like Wingspan for popes.”
