Report: Wizards Rejected "Fear of Intimacy" Card That Would've Become Commander Staple

Jon Ruggiero • September 30, 2024

Satire

Renton, WA - After releasing Duskmourn: House of Horror cards with names like Fear of Falling

and Fear of Missing Out
, a report leaked from Wizards shows they almost printed a card named Fear of Intimacy.

The red/black card, to be included in the Endless Punishment Duskmourn Commander deck, was scrapped during development due to fears it would become a must-play card; not only was it powerful, way too many Magic players could relate to it.

"I'm not sure we can accept either the abilities or the name for this one" is the first note made by an anonymous Wizards developer in the design notes that were leaked to the public. The card originally read 1BR, 2/2 Enchantment Creature - Nightmare. When Fear of Intimacy enters, target opponent gains control of it. It becomes goaded. Whenever damage is dealt to Fear of Intimacy, prevent that damage and its controller loses that much life."

"We've had some success in the past with these abilities like on Xantcha and Vislor Turlough

, but this seems a bit too cheap and abusable with damage doublers and such", continued the unnamed developer. "And I know we like people to relate to things in our cards, but this thing isn't even a foil yet and it immediately reflects the image of any Magic player who looks at it."

Wizards and its associates have gotten into hot water in recent months due to high-profile bannings of cards, and it's clear in the notes that the developers were doing everything to stop another powerhouse from being printed.

"We already know we're gonna have issues with Leyline of Resonance

; folks are going to have a massive problem dealing with decks that can deal 15 damage on turn two consistently in Standard, we don't need to give red a massively powerful tool to work with in Commander, too" said one developer.

"Plus something named Fear of Intimacy might be a little too relatable to Magic players...I know it's relatable to some Magic developers," chimed in another anonymous developer.

"Screw you, Susan, we said we wouldn't talk about our problems at work", said the first developer.

"Screw me? Screw YOU for not keeping these messages anonymous, Ted" replied the other developer.

After that the note ends with a full rejection of the card from the developers and no resolution between the couple in the discussion.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.