Report: Pod of 3 Looking for Any Other Player Than You

Jon Ruggiero • May 6, 2024

Your Local Game Store - Even though you've been waiting for over four hours to play a few games of Commander today, a pod of three in the corner is looking for literally anyone else but you.

You have spent most of the afternoon scrolling through your phone as you wait for a group to open up, but when you approach a group of three who just arrived and ask if they need a fourth, the following exchange takes place:

"No thanks, we're waiting for literally any other person to ask us to play," says group member Chet Fife in a disgusted tone. "Don't think we haven't seen you in the corner, waiting to play like a kid with his fishing gear sitting on the porch 'til his grandpa shows up. I groaned as soon as I saw you get up and come over here, 'cuz I knew what you were going to ask.

"We absolutely want to get a match in, as soon as possible since the store's about to close. In fact, my buddy Matt here has a new and interesting Kambal, Profiteering Mayor group hug deck he wants to try out. But know this: we absolutely want nothing to do with you and whatever half-baked deck idea you've made up. We have no real reason for excluding you other than we know it's the worst possible scenario you can imagine for a Commander night and we want to see your fears realized."

Feeling dejected because you're sure you're not going to get a game in thanks to those jerks, you walk up to the front counter to talk with the shop owner about how to better prepare for a Commander night like this in the future.

"Sir, please stop bothering me," groans the weathered and worn game shop owner Harley Davies. "I've gotta make sure the phone gets answered, people pay for their drinks, and stop the Warhammer guys from throwing things at each other, so I'm sorry I can't make other people play with you. At this point, I'm so sick of having to deal with players like you that I'm just kicking you out of the store. Yeah, you're so disliked here that you're not allowed to come back. I bet you thought something like this was gonna happen, didn't you?"

As of press time, you wonder why you even play this game as you go home, queue up in Arena, and play your Etali, Primal Conqueror Brawl deck against another Etali, Primal Conqueror Brawl deck.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.