Report: Amount of Microplastics in Average Human Equal to One Dragon Shield Sleeve
Bethesda, MD - A report from the National Institutes of Health released today concludes that the issue of microplastics in our environment has become so pronounced that the average adult human has a Dragon Shield sleeve's worth of plastic in their body.
Various studies have been performed to gauge the effect of microplastics on the environment, but none has given as definitive of a definition of the amount of plastic found in humans.
"Our research has had some startling findings," explained Dr. Horace Funt, the lead researcher on the NIH study. "We tested for various polycarbonates, PETs, and PVCs in the blood of a number of test subjects. After testing, we discovered that the average number of these plastics comes out to roughly 113 grams. One of our researchers familiar with Magic: The Gathering and various card-protection methods noted offhand that that is roughly the weight of a Standard-size Matte Black Dragon Shield card sleeve.
"Though it may seem trivial, it's worth making these kinds of comparisons in our studies to give laypeople the language to understand our positions. If we put out a press release saying that micronized beads of polyurethane less than 5 microns wide are showing up in the human bloodstream, many may not understand our findings. However, if you let the greater gaming public know they have enough plastic in their body to protect a serialized Ornithopter from The Brother's War, it will cause some of them to pay attention."
The protective plastic company claims that they were not consulted on the study and may take legal action against the NIH if possible, according to Telly Burton, spokesperson for Dragon Shield.
"They say any press, even bad press, is good press," said Burton while meticulously pile-shuffling a Commander deck to de-stress, "but this is ridiculous. They could have used literally any other plastic object to discuss their findings, but they had to drag our company name through the mud. We've gotten actual complaints since this study was released from people claiming they have an entire sleeve stuck in them and want financial compensation. Lucky we have a team of lawyers that are more protective than the combination of a Dragon Shield Perfect Fit and any of our many vibrant colors in our Matte Sleeve brand, and we will fight this scurrilous scientific study."
The NIH findings also discussed the possibility that in the future we'd be able to determine whether a human is real or fake by cutting into them and seeing if they have a plastic blue interior.
