Nicol Bolas Puts Pronouns in Bio
Somewhere in the Multiverse, Twitter — Notorious former planeswalker and presumed future antagonist Nicol Bolas stunned many on both sides of the multiversal political spectrum when, following Tuesday’s stunning “bluenami” midterm election results, he changed his X bio to include his own pronouns.
“I truly thought that there were more individuals throughout the Planes who shared my ideology,” said Bolas, a former appointee of President Trump’s cabinet in the new Department of Just Plain Evil. “And I was proud of the work I accomplished with President Trump. I was proud of the Iran War. I wish that more individuals on my side felt the same way. Some people are saying that I’m the last true patriot.” He then brushed away tears. “But now, it seems, the tides are turning, and I must turn with them.”
“PUT THE PRONOUNS IN THE BIO, BITCH! PUT THE FUCKIN’ PRONOUNS IN THE BIO NOW!” said revolutionary, Planeswalker, and Twitch streamer Chandra Nalaar, while reacting to Bolas’ own stream just hours after the midterm election results came in. Then, upon reading her chat, she asked, “Wait, did he? Oh, LET’S GO! That is our first scalp, everybody!”
Nalaar’s fiery reaction came after Bolas, also a Twitch streamer, almost immediately began to distance himself from President Trump and his agenda, which has certainly proved to be disastrous for the Republican party to say the least. Nalaar, however, was far from willing to allow Bolas to perform such distancing.
“This fucking dragon was here on this very platform advocating for burning to death every migrant at the border–he specifically included women and children,” Nalaar told her chat. “He was out here stealing peoples’ sparks in Ravnica, he’s in the Epstein files, he worked with this fascist government! He was appointed by Donald Trump to his cabinet and now bro is really saying he didn’t even vote for him? Be serious. When everyone gets sworn in in January we will demand that Bolas finally take a shower. He can take one in prison!”
Nalaar’s own commentary has drawn criticism from media on the right, however. One of her own posts on X, which simply reads “EVERYONE GET MORE SOCIALIST NOW,” received a Fox News highlight, along with Nalaar ironically parodying President Trump’s former claims that the Democrats want “everybody woke, everybody transgender” on her own stream. Sean Hannity and his ilk spent a full twenty minutes taking what were clearly obvious jokes to be entirely serious in a pathetic attempt to push back against Tuesday’s blue wave.
“They’re so ridiculous, dude,” said Nalaar, reacting to Fox’s coverage of her. “I’m literally joking. They act like I’m saying that Nicol Bolas needs to start going by Nicole.” She laughed, though, at the sheer idea. “God that would be so funny. Imagine Nicole Bolas in January 2027. Not even Jace could’ve come up with Nicole Woke-las and that motherfucker made up a version of me who likes fascism.” One of Nalaar’s chatters left a message upon which she immediately riffed. “Yeah, that’s right–we’re outlawing cishets in 2027. Everyone will get government-mandated pronouns by February. We’re changing all the Ravnica guilds to be all five colors. Nobody can get accepted to Strixhaven unless they’re both gay and Muslim. I want disability ramps in every vampire castle in Innistrad. Woke 3.0 is gonna be crazy.”
Allegedly human Twitch streamer Asmongold, the first right-wing reactionary streamer to add his pronouns to his bio so far, was unavailable for comment.
