Martin Scorsese Claims Marvel Cards Will Ruin Magic

Jon Ruggiero • October 25, 2023

New York City, NY - While on a press tour for his most recent film Killers of the Flower Moon, director Martin Scorsese denounced Marvel's upcoming involvement with Magic: The Gathering.

"Look, I was taken aback when I saw the announcement video (poorly directed, by the way)," said Scorsese while signing a stack of photos of him as a puffer fish from the movie Shark Tale. "I'm shocked to hear Marvel would go so low as to steal an idea that was a joke in a Cardboard Crack comic. But frankly, if there's a way to make money off it, Marvel will put its face on it, and Hasbro will gladly join in. They're gonna turn the Commander format into a cheap thrill park ride rather than the in-depth strategic game it once was."

Vocal critics of both Scorsese and Marvel rushed to the Internet to make their opinions on the controversy heard.

"What does that old man know; he probably hasn't played since Protean Hulk was banned," aggressively typed Marvel super-fan GammaGuy46 on his Twitter/X page. "And Wizards, make a note: Hulk should have Protean Hulk's ability so we can have two of them in the format. HIRE. FANS."

"I agree completely; Marty always knows best," fawned XxDepartedLvrxX on Instagram. "After I saw how brilliant Flower Moon was, it proved to me that Papa 'sese knows no wrong. I won't play Commander anymore if I see one goddamn Infinity Stone in my opponent's deck."

"Don't think this is just a criticism of Marvel, by the way," Scorsese continued nasally. "I've also got a bug up my ass about Hasbro. We were working together once on a Micro Machines movie. I wanted it to be a gritty look at the underground miniature toy car racing circuit, but they wanted it to be more family-friendly. I didn't pander, so they let me go. Their loss. Now I can get extra mad because, call me old-school, but I don't want to sit down with my Prosper deck and have to look at a Black Bolt, Madcap, or Mister Sinister across the table."

As of press time, Scorsese claimed his next film was going to be a period piece about the Black Summer.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.