Magic Baseball Cards Recalled After Discovering Garruk Wrote "Fuck Jace" on Bottom of Bat

Jon Ruggiero • October 2, 2023

Redmond, WA - Wizards of the Coast announced a recall for the recent baseball card Secret Lair after printings went out with an obscenity written on the bat of Garruk Wildspeaker.

"Fuck Jace" is prominently displayed on the bottom of the bat held by Mr. Wildspeaker in the artwork used in the Magic: The Baseballing Secret Lair product.

"We offer our sincerest apologies for the error," Trent Crosby, WOTC spokesperson, said solemnly in a press release. "We were excited to release a fun new Secret Lair since one hadn't been announced in twelve hours. We regret that we allowed the error to occur, and will be shipping out new cards that have a black box covering the offending language.

"For those that have already received a card but do not wish to return it, all we ask is you use an official Unfinity sticker to cover the bottom of the bat so no one has to see it. I would suggest using the sticker of Garruk's ax or the plushie Garruk, since they work so well with him! We will offer no refunds at this time."

Mr. Wildspeaker, shortstop for his childhood little league team, claims he never meant for the writing to be seen.

"I mean, Wizards certainly has to have enough proofreaders to see it," growled Garruk while petting a glowing green wolf. "And yeah, fuck Jace, but I meant it as a goof no one was gonna see; I thought they would, y'know, print it with my abilities covering stuff like a normal card, and no one would know. Like that time Sorin got drunk and posed without pants. But no, it's a baseball card so they gotta put the shit on the back. Dumb."

Garruk went on to explain what goes on when card art is made: "Whenever they call us in to pose for the cards, it's so boring cuz it takes fuckin' forever. I was just passing the time, doodling on my bat while waiting for Ajani to get his fuckin' fur perfectly coiffed. Now I'm getting brought in by corporate next week for a 'discussion' about my joke,  and not their lack of quality assurance. No wonder you barely hear from me anymore."

As of press time, Garruk began packing his swim trunks and sunglasses as he was on his way to pose for the upcoming March To The Beach-ines summer-themed Secret Lair.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.