Good afternoon. My name is Michael Celani, and welcome to PrepCon 2021! I’ve been chosen to speak at this year’s commencement address because all of our senior members currently believe they are kangaroos. Quite the tragedy. If any of you are still hoarding Survivadrin™, remember that there’s a recall because it reveals your inner marsupial. We’ve set up a collection pouch near the bathrooms.
Anyway, you’re here because you know the world’s going to end any day now, and you think you can beat it. Well, I’ve been through Y2K, the 13th b’ak’tun, and Elenin, and let me tell you: you can survive the utter obliteration of our planet and the total extinction of our species as long as you’ve got the right gear.
I know you’re worried about the sentient thumb-eating amoebas that Russia discovered in the Siberian permafrost earlier this month. Thankfully, scientists say that they’re going to take at least fifty to sixty years to evolve into even hand-eating ameobas, so if the computers haven’t made us immortal for their own entertainment by then, we’re on easy street. But that’s no excuse to forget the first rule of survival: you can never be too prepared. With enchantments like Righteous Aura and the reanimating power of Ghen, Arcanum Weaver EDH at your side, your defenses will be so strong that no cataclysm can cross it.
Off The Grid
Now some of you may be asking, “Michael, is there any way we can stop the inevitable destruction of reality this year?” No, because the time traveling vortex bees already did. So before you escape to your own pocket dimension (only $499!), you’ll need to find a way to gather supplies from outside time and space. Most models of safe room don’t have built-in matter replicators. They’re expensive, and it’s not like we’re made of matter.
- Use an Oread of Mountain’s Blaze to cycle cards you don’t need. Ghen, Arcanum Weaver can retrieve the enchantments later.
- Those of you looking for a Cathartic Reunion with your family, remember: most non-survivalists will be snakes in the afterworld.
- There’s always the Thrill of Possibility of discovering a new dimension, but if you see an Earth where the Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series, turn and run as fast as you can.
- Don’t forget to perform some Faithless Looting on escape pods that didn’t make it. There’s only a 5% chance it’s haunted, and some spooky noises are better than starving.
- Magus of the Wheel and Valakut Awakening can draw you a fresh grip of cards.
- Mesa Enchantress will still draw you a card for each enchantment you cast, even after the aliens convert all the mesas to pyramids.
- With a Treacherous Blessing and some Underworld Connections, you’ll be supported no matter when you end up.
- Finally, you can bring Sunbird’s Invocation back from the ashes to quickly burn through your deck.
Always Use Protection
Now that you’ve secured your supply lines, it’s time to stock up on spells that will save you during an apocalypse. Omnicidal maniacs will hate fighting through many of these protective plays.
- Keep Ghen going by activating Alseid of Life’s Bounty in response to a targeted removal spell.
- You can also use it to block a particularly strong enemy without taking damage.
- Hate seeing your eldritch gods angered thanks to another Blasphemous Act? Keep your board in good graces with Blessed Sanctuary.
- The Wanderer can also prevent noncombat damage and exile problem creatures to boot. Legend has it they’re a traveler from another destroyed dimension, proving that PrepCon tactics work!
- Stormwild Capridor is a self-contained version of this effect, as it absorbs all the noncombat damage headed for it and turns it into power.
- No safe room is complete without your very own Selfless Squire to use as a meat shield. (For vegetarian universes, we sell plant shields separately.)
- Greater Realm of Preservation protects you from both red and black sources of damage in one card, making it squarely better than a Circle of Protection.
- Protective Sphere is a little bit different than these other spells, because it prevents all damage to you from a source until the end of the turn.
- Shut down a big double-striking threat or even a Goblin Bombardment!
- And speaking of invincible beings that can never die, Gideon’s Intervention prevents an enemy from casting their commander or protects you from them if they’re already out.
Ragnarok ‘n’ Roll
It’s come to my attention that some of you think that PrepCon sells useless junk and that the world is in no imminent danger of destruction. I’d like to debunk that rumor. “Is PrepCon a scam designed to balk you out of your money by lying that the universe will be destroyed?” No it isn’t. Because we’re actively ending your universe as we speak. Did you think PrepCon stood for preparation conference? No! PREP: Parallel Reality Erasure Program. CON: what we’re pulling on you. And since we have the protective equipment necessary to survive it, we’ll go onto the next universe richer than before. How do we do it?
- We’re bringing your reality to a nice, even temperature with Pyrohemia and seasoning it with Pestilence.
- For a flavorful ratatouille, we’re also throwing in some Crypt Rats. They can deal a large amount of damage to all creatures and players.
- We like doing things piece by piece, so it’ll only take six or so activations of Heartless Hidetsugu to whittle everyone’s life down to zero – except for us!
- Salting the earth is so 6th Century B.C.E. We much prefer Acidic Soil to show you all the Price of Progress.
- Speaking of, in about thirty minutes Earthquakes, Rolling Earthquakes and Fault Lines won’t just be for residents of San Francisco anymore.
- And in case you think you can survive that, our Dictate of the Twin Gods will double up the damage!
- Once our own operatives have been protected from noncombat damage, we’ll use Chain Reaction and Blasphemous Act to wipe out the opposition.
- Chainer’s Torment grants a little bit of life, but the third chapter has always been too risky to use. Not anymore! We can make a 20/20 and then protect ourselves from the damage it deals to us.
- Since we plan to be pinging everyone for small bits of damage, Night Dealings acts as a repeatable tutor.
- We haven’t forgotten about the painlands like Caves of Koilos – damage from lands can also be negated!
- And as if all that isn’t threatening enough, we can name any number for Wheel of Misfortune and resurrect everyone’s graveyards for free with Command the Dreadhorde.
A Reversal of Fate
Ah, good, we found you. We’re the Universal Protection Squad, and we deliver salvation to realities that are on the brink of collapse. We do this by reversing what PrepCon does and turning their destruction into healing. Take these with you: their effectiveness will blow your mind.
With Hallow, we can turn board wipes like Blasphemous Act into massive healing spells that make us nearly untouchable. Cast Samite Ministration or Reverse Damage targeting Wheel of Misfortune and you can gain yourself an arbitrarily large amount of life. Or, cast Hallow targeting Pestilence. Once Pestilence resolves into a permanent, each activation gains you at least four life until the end of the turn, and even more if there are creatures on the board. If you have K’rrik, Son of Yawgmoth in play, that’s also an infintely large amount of life. There’s a similar line of play with Pyrohemia and Treasonous Ogre, or you can simply use these cards to protect yourself from your opponents!
Damn! It looks like PrepCon got away. They’ve been trying a number of schemes; everything from running fake cities to murderous carnivals. They even created a belligerent group of Sasquatches to take over some planets. They’re basically SPECTRE, both in terms of crime scope and in terms of suddenly tying together a bunch of previous events haphazardly after the fact. Well, keep your eyes out for any universal crime syndicates, and stay safe!
Protection From Yourself: Ghen EDH
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