How They Brew It - 2024 Jank Rank
Pulling Rank
Seasons greetings, everyone! I'm Michael Celani. I write How They Brew It, the Commander deck tech series that denies it has ever disappeared one of its articles without a trace because Matt Tabak himself told me the idea doesn't work.
Don't worry, I've learned my lesson: if I don't ask him about my mutating-onto-Attractions-to-get-everything-into-the-command-zone scheme, then he can't change the rules just to spite me. Oh, also, I invented Christmas.
Another year's gone by, and alongside death and taxes, Wizards has blessed us with more of the inevitable: a whopping three hundred and twenty new commanders. Which among them are the crème de la champignons when it comes to jank potential? We'll get to that, but first, let me tell you about this article's sponsor, Clash of Help Keeps Man Shadow VPN-
10: Zimone, Paradox Sculptor
Zimone is the character in gameplay most associated with Strixhaven's Quandrix college, sort of like how Draco Malfoy is associated with Slytherin, or Ted Kaczynski is associated with Harvard. I wouldn't fault you for thinking she's a Lorehold alum, though, considering how much she's stolen from the absolutely ancient Vorel of the Hull Clade.
Like Vorel before her, she can double the number of counters on creatures or artifacts by paying and tapping. While it's true that Zimone can't affect lands, she makes up for it by buffing twice the targets per activation, which is a fair trade.
She also slowly puts counters on creatures you control, and while I would have loved to see it be any creature instead of merely a creature you control (Generous Patron in shambles), her added abilities definitely justify the premium you pay over the original.
She crosses the line to jank when you start throwing around spells like Liquimetal Coating and Mycosynth Lattice, which turns arbitrary permanents into artifacts. Suddenly, you can start doubling the loyalty counters on planeswalkers like a build-it-yourself Doubling Season, and ulting any Simic planeswalker is going to drown your opponents in game actions in a manner I respect.
9: Cass, Hand of Vengeance
Cass, Hand of Vengeance lets you reuse any Auras and Equipment that were on a creature when it died. For free.
To be fair, the writing was on the wall. Nobody likes getting two-for-oned, so Wizards set out to make Auras less fragile in Commander. They started with Tiana, Ship's Caretaker, then experimented with Mazzy, Truesword Paladin. These were fine, but nobody really wants to pay full price to cast something they already cast before.
Wizards listened, and what we're left with is an absolute monster of a combo machine that goes infinite with literally any Aura that makes tokens.
Aside from the obvious route, I'm also a big fan of using this to cheat Equip costs. If you want multiple activations out of an expensive Equipment (say, Dragon Throne of Tarkir) in a single turn, then this basically gives that Equipment an alternative cost of sacrificing the equipped creature to pass it down to its next-of-kin. I made a whole Agrus Kos deck about this concept, and Cass, Hand of Vengeance would be a decent take on the idea.
8: Fblthp, Lost on the Range
When Fblthp, Lost on the Range was spoiled, I immediately built a deck that involved plotting Counterspells from the top of my deck so that my opponents could never play the game again. Then it was revealed that you can only cast plotted cards during your own turn when the stack is empty, so I docked five full points from Fblthp's score.
The fact that my dystopian nightmare hellscape didn't come to pass isn't a complete dealbreaker, though. Fblthp can shotgun an absurd number of spells in a turn if you run a deck full of 0-cost cards, and there's plenty to choose from, whether it be actual -costers, like Ornithopter, or fake ones, like Stonecoil Serpent. Build up a quasi-hand of ten or so free spells, let them all loose in a single turn, and then storm off for the win.
7. Moira Brown, Guide Author
The Fallout set added a lot of support for quest counters. Surprisingly, those weren't a new concept: they were actually last used in Zendikar. Quest counters are quest counters, so Moira Brown, Guide Author advances them all the same. Finally, a commander that lets me run Pyromancer Ascension!
With Moira Brown, Guide Author, you can actually complete those quests without caring at all for their objectives, which is how I assume most people play Skyrim or whatever the hell game she comes from. I would have loved to see a more permissive color identity, like Naya, but if you're really hurting for green you can play Rocco, Cabaretti Caterer and have Moira be your secret commander.
6. Sokrates, Athenian Teacher
Sokrates, Athenian Teacher just begs you to cast combat tricks on your opponents' attacking creatures. It's the ultimate combat politics commander. Ask your opponents to swing into you with their biggest thing, nullify the damage, then pump up their creature's power to draw as many cards as you possibly can. Of course, this runs the risk of your opponents drawing that many cards and still having a main phase, but that's why you have Plagiarize, right?
This isn't even counting all the chicanery you can do if you can efficiently redirect damage. Sokrates combos really well with Jade Monolith, which scratches that jank itch real well for me.
5. Niko, Light of Hope
Niko, Light of Hope is secretly an Azorius reprint Brudiclad, Telchor Engineer, a commander that could be built so many ways that you could write a book on the subject. Of course, that means they're this year's resident Licid commander.
Make their tokens into a ton of Licids, activate those Licid abilities to suit them up onto creatures, and then transform them into an animated Equipment or bestow creature on another turn to reap the benefits of those attachments in reverse. Trust me, this works: they stay Auras between turns thanks to how the Licid ability is worded.
If you're not of the mind to explain complicated layer rules every time you sit down to play Magic, then I'm questioning why you're reading this article. But maybe you already have a deck that does that and you want to expand your horizons.
Well, I'm glad to report that there are tons of strange ways to play Niko, Light of Hope, including kindred-kindred (simply include all the best individual lords and turn all your Shards into the same lord, which hopefully all buff each other), manlands, or (most baffling) actually cracking the Shards for draw.
4. Zinnia, Valley's Voice
Zinnia, Valley's Voice may be an extremely popular commander from Bloomburrow, but popularity doesn't mean you can't be jank. Having all of your creatures secretly be two creatures has a lot of potential for shenanigans. My preferred way of playing jank-Zinnia has to be clockwork.
Clockwork is a catch-all term for creatures with a low base power and toughness, but they compensate for that by entering with some number of counters. Actual Clockwork creatures (like Clockwork Dragon) are the namesake, but this category also includes things with modular and graft.
Since the only thing offspring modifies is the base power and toughness, Zinnia's clone, therefore, doesn't actually lose anything. In fact, the copy is actually stronger, since it enters with the same number of counters but has its base stats buffed to 1/1.
Focusing on modular creatures can be especially powerful if you build your deck correctly. A doubled Arcbound Shikari can make a board of artifact creatures too big to ignore, and if you find yourself facing a board wipe, all you have to do is Loran's Escape the one thing you want to become a massive problem and it'll get through unscathed with the combined power of all its deceased friends.
3. Ertha Jo, Frontier Mentor
If only Ertha Jo, Frontier Mentor was Jeskai, because then she'd be an unquestioned number one pick this year. Unfortunately, without blue, we're locked out of the ridiculous combo potential of "play an Aphetto Alchemist to win the game."
Still, doubling activated abilities targeting creatures and players is absurd, and thankfully, this time you aren't limited to your own creatures. The hand-me-down jank around Equipment survives here, of course, but there's also (just off the top of my head) pinger burn, token creation, theft.
In fact, they don't even have to be activated abilities of permanents: Ertha Jo, Frontier Mentor is the perfect Bloodrush, reinforce, and Channel commander, which uses alternative abilities on cards to get value out of them without casting them. The best part? Since they're activated abilities, nobody can counter the Twinshot Sniper fire coming straight for their commander.
2. Obeka, Splitter of Seconds
Multiple upkeeps in a single turn is the definition of jank. Obeka, Splitter of Seconds would actually be number one, but she loses out because she does it too well. It means that most people are just going to use it as an opportunity to kill the whole table with a Descent into Avernus, instead of doing something actually creative.
Come on, guys! Where's my cumulative upkeep Obeka? My forecast Obeka (hey, maybe you wanna activate it after combat)? My "those cards that re-suspend themselves when you cast them" Obeka, Splitter of Seconds?
There's so many options to use your upkeep for something interesting, and you all decide to simply win the game instead. If that's your plan, you might as well just play an actual Voltron commander, because at least you don't have to trigger something fifteen times before your opponents keel over.
1. Omo, Queen of Vesuva
Everything counters just open up the doors to so much ridiculous jank that I can't award this year's Most Jank Commander to anyone other than Omo, Queen of Vesuva.
Want to build a forestwalk deck? Omo has you covered. Want to build a Brushwagg deck? Omo's got you. Two-color Domain? Omo. Locuses? Omo. Tron? Omo. You can make Sliver Elves! It's terrifying!
Another year, another dollar. Yes, it's true: I'm very poor. Regardless, that's the official 2024 How They Brew It Jank Rank. Let me know what you think I missed in the comments below, and tell me if I'm completely mistaken in my choices this year. I'll see you again in 365 or so days!
