Hasbro Severance Mostly March of the Machine: The Aftermath Packs

PROVIDENCE, RI - Amidst the unprecedented layoffs of approximately 1,1000 former Hasbro employees, many were shocked to discover that 96% of their severance packages were just surplus March of the Machine: The Aftermath boosters.

Thankfully, Hasbro CEO Chris Cocks released a company-wide memo earlier this week that elegantly answers every question we could possibly have.

"We value each of our team members; they aren't just employees, they're friends and colleagues," said Cocks in the memo. "That's why, on top of their packs, each employee is also getting four Collector Boosters. Man... I may be 'earning' $10 million a year while ruining the holidays for the people who actually make this company function, but I'd trade it all for a 1 in 30,000 chance at a foil Nissa, Resurgent Animist."

This unprecedented act of corporate generosity has largely gone over well with the small army of employees dropped like a sack of kittens in a river.

"I'm ecstatic actually," said laid-off Dungeons & Dragons art director Billy Mcguinnes. "My kids sort of like Magic, so what better gift to give than 1,200 worthless packs? Way cooler than, I dunno, food. We're gonna be drafting this tiny set for the rest of our (now statistically shorter) lives."

"Look, times are tough," said Cocks in a second memo written on toilet paper. "Sure, maybe I was promoted from Wizards of the Coast less than two years ago after taking credit for the work of the people I just fired. Maybe in my tenure we had a horrible year while Wizards 'kept this bleeding company afloat' and 'generated 63 million of incremental revenue in Q3'. But let me tell you, if I don't get to hoard 1/6th of those earnings for myself like a cartoon dragon, this company is done."

"Also, if you're reading this and draw dragons for us, you're fired." 

Hasbro was able to quell any doubts regarding their integrity by ending the first memo on a rather optimistic note.

"In the coming weeks, let's support each other and lean in to drive through these necessary changes so we can return our business to growth," finished the original. "I mean, not the workers who actually help the company grow, fuck them. But me. Support me."

Oddly enough, amidst budget cuts, the Pinkerton Agency remains on retainer.