Green Card Asking AI to Turn It Into a Draw Spell Turns It White

Jon Ruggiero • August 28, 2023

The Caldaia, New Capenna - Local green creature Civic Gardener was surprised to see themselves turned into a white card using an AI program.

The creature was testing New Capenna's recently developed artificial intelligence service HaloAI for fun, but was shocked by the results.

"Y'know how it is, sometimes it gets slow in Standard and you've got some downtime between bans," explained Civic Gardener while tending to a plot of flowers. "So after hearin' about this AI thing and how it can make you look all screwy, I fire up the damned thing to pass the time. I wanted to see what I'd look like with a little more card advantage. Oh boy, I wish I hadn't; all of a sudden I get a picture back of some white border and this lady surrounded by animals! It felt like I wasn't even looking at me anymore."

The AI ended up turning Civic Gardener into the white creature Rumor Gatherer, another Standard card that scrys and draws cards.

"It's just disheartening, y'know," sobbed Civic Gardener. "You think you're a powerful creature, doing your color proud. Then some dumb computer says I need to change color just to draw a friggin' card. I don't know much, but I know that that's some biased nonsense, I'll tell ya what. I'm not changin' my color for that!"

HaloAI's designer, Obscura agent and software developer Hypnotic Grifter, defended their program even though they acknowledged people may not agree with the results.

"It's simple to think that something like HaloAI that sounds advanced must be foolproof," explained Grifter. "In reality this is a powerful but new technology, so it won't be perfect. It works with the best available information it has. If that means outputting something that less intelligent people might consider 'biased' or 'breaking the color pie', that's just a feature we'll have to accept for progress."

As of press time, Hypnotic Grifter was attempting to sell their HaloAI to local Maestro directors to write their next plays for them.

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.