Democrats Blame Election Results on MTG: Arena Card Shuffler

Washington, D.C. - Prominent Democratic Party members are examining where things went wrong this election cycle, with one member claiming their efforts were ruined thanks to the Arena card shuffler.

Former Democratic Senator Harold P. Whitwhiter, a fan of Magic: The Gathering: Arena, claims that the game's often-maligned deck-shuffling computation is the reason the election was lost to his Republican counterparts.

"It's a damn shame how many lives the auto-shuffler has ruined," Whitwhiter solemnly said during an interview while wiping his eyes with $100 bills. "Many in the MTG: Arena community have struggled against the auto-shuffler for years, with no response from developers. Day in and day out people complain about getting too many lands, or not enough lands, and Wizards ignores them. It seems like no matter what the people did, the leaders of Arena would not listen to their constituents' pleas for help, and instead just let the problem fester.

"That's why we're here, going into a second Trump presidency. We have, for too long, focused on the wrong things and not listened to people, especially when they complain about a constant stream of Island and Mountain cards without a viable creature or sorcery in sight. There's nothing we can do now but put in the work to ensure Wizards fixes the auto-shuffler in the future."

Though many Democrats in Washington are spending time pouring over data to figure out the issues that led to their loss, Whitwhiter continued to explain that the issue has been right in front of them.

"We're here now because of this massive unaddressed issue. Not because we started with a candidate who was past his prime, then dashed him against the rocks after public outcry and ran another candidate that was rarely liked. Not because we focus only on our goals and not the goals of the people who elected us to office. But because I can't get my goddamn fourth land in a draft match. And I think my fellow leaders would agree with me."

As of press time, Donald Trump has outlined a plan to eliminate wild cards from MTG: Arena and force players to use real money to purchase their rares.