Coolest Motherf@#&er On The Planet Owns Multiple Serialized #69 Magic Cards

Charleston, SC - Within one of America's coolest f@#%ing cities resides one of America's coolest motherf@#%ers, Walt Flitsam, who is the owner of multiple f@#%ing Magic: The Gathering serialized cards stamped with the number 069.

Flitsam, way goddamn cooler than you'll ever f@#%ing be, began collecting the cards after hearing how much money a friend had made on the collectables market.

"Yeah, I've got tons of friends that I talk to all the time," said Flotsam in the coolest f@#%ing way imaginable, "and one of my buds was talking about how he hit it big by slabbing and reselling Pokemon cards. I used to play Magic in high school, like the rest of the school who started playing when I did, but I stopped before college so I could have more time for parties. Hearing about these numbered cards, and finding out that the greatest number in the world can be printed on super-expensive ones, my first thought was 'holy f@#%, that's cool'.

"So I stopped by a game store with my girlfriend and told them, 'Give me the most expensive packs you got where I can get the 69 card,' and these dudes were cool enough to know exactly what the f@#% I was talking about. They sent me home with a bunch of cards about some war between bros, and while that's not f@#%ing cool, I got 'em home, cracked 'em opened, and wouldn't you know it, I found one! The thing was called a Wurmcoil Engine, and it's awesome cuz it looks like a big robot dick and has the number 69 on it! It's worth about $1000, but I'll never get rid of it."

That first #069 card cemented a love of collecting Magic for Flitsam, who has gone on to own an astounding 84 f@#%ing serialized cards. He now spends his days trading other cards to get as many as he can.

"This is gonna be a thing I do for a while," confessed the f@#%ing cool as s*@& Flitsam. "I want to get as many of these cool-ass cards as I can. Sadly they haven't made them in recent sets: as f@#&ing cool as those anime holo Glimmers from Duskmourn: House of Horror look, it's just missing something... nice, y'know what I mean? Are Wizards ever gonna f@#%ing do these serialized cards again? It'd be a lot cooler if they did."

Tragedy struck after the interview when Flitsam revealed during a stream on his Twitch channel that his recent f@#%ing #069 card acquisition was a proxy.