Commander’s Herald Designs A New Deadpool Secret Lair

To celebrate April Fool’s Day this year, we at Commander’s Herald decided to walk you through an article that we would write, going step-by-step through the satirical process. We came up with an idea to write about a “leak” of a secret internal memo from Wizards of The Coast detailing a new Secret Lair product featuring that annoying mercenary with a mandible, Marvel’s Deadpool.

We’ll start the article by showing off the e-mail. Since everyone’s talking about the Epstein Files, we’re gonna make it look like something from that: a hastily-put-together message thread between Wizards management, leaked by a “secretive employee”. Finally we’ll talk about the most-likely depressing bunch of cards being reprinted in the Secret Lair.

The e-mail will have multiple members of the WOTC team talking about events that happened over the previous work day in which an unnamed assailant did damages to the office such as stealing employee food and bypassing security with lethal weapons. Since Deadpool is famously known for loving one food item, we’ll make sure to mention that he steals someone’s sandwich. That way anyone who knows anything about him will certainly surmise that they’re actually talking about Deadpool roaming around their offices, with the idea that he’s been there to give feedback on a potential new Secret Lair.

We want the correspondences to seem professional for a company like Wizards, lending credence to their reality. The people conversing in the e-mail will never use their names, and since we have no idea who in production or social media could be talking, it’s a great explanation for recent workflow issues and delays in shipping Secret Lair orders. Then we can finish the e-mail with a manager saying “this team can handle anything”, which we know is a joke: that team can’t handle scalpers who buy out Secret Lairs the second they go on sale.

Once the e-mail is made up, we could speculate what big-name cards will be printed with new Deadpool art, but then we came up with a better idea.

One of our staff members thought the cards should look like a psychopath with a Sharpie and leftover Unfinity stickers just drew on under-valued commons just to make a Deadpool joke. It’s ridiculous, sure, but it makes sense that a modern gaming company that recently produced a set of hard-to-find cards (like the Dandân deck) would then turn around and try to sell 75 cents worth of cards for $30. Whether or not there’s any value from the actual cards, they will inherently have value just because they have a once-loveable-now-overly-annoying mutant on them.

Whether or not we put out that article, I am curious to see what kind of Secret Lair products are currently on sale…OH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT