RFK Jr. Spearheads “Raw Card” Movement, Outlaws Sleeves
Washington, D.C. – In an attempt to push as many pet projects through while they control the government, Republican politicians like Robert F. Kennedy Jr. have been creating new initiatives and bills to alter the political landscape.
RFK Jr. was mentioned specifically due to a new press release where he looks to create a “Raw Card” movement, claiming it’s healthier to play with playing cards that are unsleeved.
“Whether it’s poker cards, Magic cards, or cards from popular modern games like Mille Bornes, they must be unsleeved” claimed Kennedy in an e-mail that somehow sounded like it had strep throat. “Much like milk, eggs, and any good quality American cheese, playing cards are best experienced raw without the invisible hand of governance making pesky limitations such as ‘safety standards’.
“Playing with unsleeved cards is just the right thing to do. It feels better, you don’t have to waste money on those damned sleeves, and you can catch whatever germs are on the hands of people who touch the cards, building up a natural immunity to virtually any disease. If you’ve eaten a raccoon you hit with your car you gain another 8 months of life to live.”
The press release, filled with other pieces of “useful health advice”, continued with a proclamation from the acting Secretary of Health and Human Services.
“That’s why I am banning the use of restrictive card sleeves effective immediately. While I haven’t received my monthly payment from Dragon Shield, that’s not relevant at this moment. It’s time to tell the world that Americans aren’t scared of a little RC Cola spilling on their copy of The One Ring, and that we prefer our cards as dirty and disease-covered as the shells of unpasteurized chicken eggs. You’re not a real man unless you’ve eaten sauerkraut as part of your breakfast for at least the past fifteen years.”
As of press time, Kennedy showed excitement over one of his favorite fictional characters, The Borg Queen, getting an upcoming Magic card printing.
