Reading The Darkhold Explains The Darkhold Claims Scarlet Witch
With the upcoming release of Marvel: Darkhold Destiny, many are asking, “What even is a Darkhold?” The book has a long history full of dark magic, eldritch horror, and ancient mysteries. However, one of its most prominent users claims that understanding the grimoire is actually very simple.
“Reading the Darkhold explains the Darkhold,” Wanda Maximoff, better known as The Scarlet Witch, recently claimed. The mutant/witch/hero/villain/mom offered this advice after being asked what the tome does repeatedly. “It’s all right there for everyone to read. Stop asking me every time I cast a spell and just RTDB (read the damned book).
Editor’s Note: A representative from the X-Men has informed us that Wanda Maximoff is not a mutant. Probably. At least she wasn’t last time they checked.
Critics of Maximoff have accused her of trying to trick opponents into reading the book so they turn evil. “The Book of the Damned is no literary curiosity to be perused in the hallowed halls of Barnes & Noble!” Sorcerer Supreme Dr. Stephen Strange psychically projected in response to Maximoff’s claim. “Nay! To gaze into the fell writings of that ancient text is to allow its dread writer into your very soul! And that fiendish auteur is no other than…Chthon!”
“Fake. Steve can’t read lol. He just tries to counter anything with a scary name. #ReadingTheDarkholdExplainsTheDarkhold,” Maximoff retorted in an Instagram post. The post included a picture of the Scarlet Witch reading The Darkhold on the beach. Fans noted that she barely had any extraneous tentacles growing out of her body.
Others in the magic community have spoken out against Maximoff’s pro-literacy position. “Reading is for chumps,” The Juggernaut claimed. “I’m a fricking unstoppable force of magic power, and I don’t know how any of this crap works. Just attack until the other guy’s dead. That’s how magic is supposed to work.”
“Don’t make me read every stupid artifact you have,” Illyana Rasputin of the X-Men added. “Just give me the basics when you drop it so I know if I need to destroy it or not. If it’s going to kill me or give you infinite power or something, just say that. I don’t need to know how your stupid value engine works, Wanda. Some of us are into magic for the giant glowy swords and hot monster girls, not to read a freaking novel while you’re chaining spells together.”
While the magic community seems divided by the new centrality of The Darkhold, we at Commander’s Herald took The Scarlet Witch’s advice and read it. Turns out it’s basically just The One Ring with a splashy mana sink instead of protection. It’s probably not worth destroying, and you should all play it if you pull it in your pre-release kits. Sin counters are really cool, actually, and definitely won’t kill you.
All hail Chthon!
