Hibachi Chef Growing Impatient With Commander Pod

BENIHANA, SHORT HILLS, NJ — A hibachi chef reached his professional breaking point on Monday after a Magic playgroup took advantage of a slow night to play Commander at his table.

Chef Joseph Morimoto is a local icon and tenured hibachi chef at the Benihana in the town’s strip mall. Known by some regulars as “The Korean Catapult” (despite having absolutely zero Korean heritage), Chef Joe has made a name for himself through his incredible skill for launching food into eager mouths.

For almost two decades, Chef Joe has entertained thousands of birthdays, sweet sixteens, graduations, retirements, and funerals with his culinary performances. With all that experience under his belt, one would think nothing could surprise this veteran chef.

However, Chef Joe argues that the group he served last night was a first. According to the chef, the pod arrived around 6:45 pm when the restaurant was mostly empty.

“Mondays are really slow around here. Usually, it’s just Dave and me. He’s a regular and pretty demanding. Seen all my tricks before, so I gotta do like Mindfreak shit to impress him. So yes, I admit, when those four walked in, I was excited to do my regular act. When they asked if they could play some Magic too, of course I said yes.”

Why did this group need somewhere to play Commander in the place? A review of the strip mall’s security footage reveals they had been turned away from Lotus Games nearby, as the store was packed to the brim with Lorcana fans and their friends’ kids excited to try the latest Hyperia City release.

Determined to enjoy their one free night, the playgroup wandered around the strip mall until they stumbled on a business who could possibly support multiplayer Magic: Benihana.

Initially, Morimoto assumed that the group understood basic hibachi etiquette. That they could both play their game and play along with the unforgettable, immersive dining experience. However, as the group spread their playmats out and drew their opening hands, the chef began to suspect these patrons misled him on their intentions.

“They were so locked in on their game. They didn’t pay attention to me at all. I was like hey guys, I threw an egg into my hat! How ’bout that? Egg in the hat! Always a crowd pleaser, right? Nobody looked up. Those jerks were too busy arguing about split-second. Most customers argue about splitting seconds, you know?”

Later, when Morimoto began to set up the classic onion volcano, one player demanded he cool it, arguing the flame could damage their card sleeves. In response, Morimoto admits he lost his patience and began yelling:

“LOOK AT ME. I AM BRINGING A VOLCANO OUT OF A VEGETABLE! YOU ARE PLAYING PRETEND WITH A BUNNY, A DRAGON, AND IRON MAN!”

Unfortunately, the group was too busy resolving a complicated counter battle, so the angry outburst went ignored. As the onion slowly went dormant, Chef Joe stood there confused and dejected. Calming himself, he waited for them to finish resolving the stack and actually order food. 

“Look, I’m not just a chef. I’m a hibachi chef. We’re like greyhounds. You gotta run us. If I don’t toss a shrimp into someone’s mouth, I will absolutely lose it.”

An agonizing 45 minutes later, the group finally decided and ordered a fried rice to split. However, Chef Joe says that wasn’t the end of their disrespect. As he cooked, one player’s token deck reportedly popped off, so he began placing cards on the corner of the grill without asking. 

Asked about that moment, Chef Joe said, “I told him, ‘No, you may not do that.’ And he said, ‘It’s not a may,’ and kept doing it.”

How did this eventful evening finally end for Chef Joe? Violently.

A witness on the scene, Dave, saw the precise moment when the chef completely lost it. According to Dave, Chef Joe flew into a blind rage after the group asked to exchange the complimentary soup and salad for store credit.

“It was one insult too many. Joe just started chucking everything on the grill at them. We’re talking shrimp, we’re talking zucchini, everything went airborne until those idiots grabbed their decks and fled the restaurant. And you know Joe’s got that famous catapult, so food was whizzing by their heads well into the parking lot,” said Dave, demonstrating the spatula technique used.

“Then he took a big swig of the sake, lit a match, and breathed out a fireball, screaming, ‘The Catapult has become The Dragon!’ All in all, I thought it was a really entertaining show. Haven’t seen anything like it before; can’t wait to see what Joe comes up with next!”