Darklight Phoenix Reveals Some Concerning Stains on Opponent’s Playmat

MAHWAH, NJ — A local game store’s Friday Night Magic was ground to a halt last night after a reanimated Darklight Phoenix revealed some, shall we say, concerning stains on one gamer’s playmat.

When Derek Johnson arrived at The Card Emporium last night, he had a new Standard deck in hand. With an RCQ on the horizon, Derek says he was eager to take on the local meta and test out a key new card: Darklight Phoenix.

A recent addition to the format from Reality Fracture, players quickly realized that the card slots into a variety of known strategies. What players didn’t realize, however, was the hidden horrors the Darklight of the Phoenix might reveal.

Stains. Concerning stains. Concerning stains of unknown origin. Or rather, known origin, but we pretend it’s not known. You know?

By all reports, Derek’s evening began quite well. He went undefeated in his first two matches. He ate a corndog. He sipped an IPA and only spit up a little bit.

When the third round began, Derek found himself up against a similarly undefeated opponent, known only by their username MysteryMeat on the Companion app. Derek says their match began in an awkward fashion.

“I sat down,  and I saw MysteryMeat had a sweet Jumbo Cactuar playmat. I pointed at it and shouted ‘It’s over 9000!’ He didn’t hear me, so I shouted it again. And I tap-tap-tapped on the cactus. Like this.”

Derek demonstrated for this reporter what can only be described as an objectively annoying tapping motion.

“I wanted to let the guy know I liked the mat! But he totally snapped at me. He screamed, ‘Don’t touch my mat! Don’t ever touch my mat!'”

That emotional outburst didn’t set off alarm bells for you?

“No, I didn’t think much of it. I get shouted at a lot for touching people’s belongings.”

Spectators, fellow gamers eager to see which player would 3-0 the night, watched as the drama unfolded during the very first game. On turn four, Derek went to combat and, having sacrificed two creatures, returned a Darklight Phoenix from his graveyard to the battlefield.

As the bird entered, a witness told us the cactus began to “shine like a Christmas tree glazed with glowing ropes of tinsel. When folks saw that, it got so quiet. Then somebody shrieked, one guy started gagging, and I think a lady fainted…”

What went through Derek’s mind when his phoenix revealed this amateur Pollock?

“I thought a few things. Thought Number 1? Scorpion footprints. Scorpions glow under black light. Did you know that? It’s true. So I thought, ‘Those must be the footprints of a scurrying scorpion!’ Heck, I even get it. As a fellow desert species, I imagine a cactus is of some comfort to a panicked scorpion. Poor guy just needed a friend…”

Derek sighed and continued, “So yeah, scorpions. I empathize with them, but they’re a real concern. I read somewhere that, at any moment, you’re never more than six inches from a scorpion. And now I had clear evidence of scorpions afoot. I was freaking out. I voiced my concern to the owner of the shop, and we had to end the game.”

But there were no scorpions?

“Nope! Just a whole lot of cum. That calmed me down.”

The owner of the store, Jessica Mara, was less calm upon seeing the stains. Recognizing what they were, witnesses say she physically lifted MysteryMeat from his seat and tossed him from the store.

“I don’t know what came over me. I’m not that strong. It was just really gross,” said Mrs. Mara of her feat.

Will this gross event change how Mrs. Mara runs her business?

“I’m not naive. As a small business owner, I know it’s on at least half the playmats in the store at any given time. I read somewhere that, at any moment, you’re never more than six inches from it. But whether it is accidental or on purpose, I don’t care. I want it gone.”

Gesturing to the display case by the entrance, with a Darklight Phoenix inside featured prominently, Mara continued:

“So we’re changing some things around here. Starting today, this Darklight Phoenix at the entry? It’ll be our informal detector. It won’t stop everything, but it’ll alert us to the more egregious cases. Maybe it’ll even pressure folks to find a different, more sanitary place for it. I’d like to hope so.”

Will she use the Phoenix at home?

“Absolutely not. I have three teenagers, and I don’t want to know any of that.”