Supreme Court Rules Trump Cannot Commit “Crime” Mechanic
Washington, D.C. — Back in 2023, in a stunning and highly controversial decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled that while he remains President of the United States, Donald Trump cannot commit “crimes” mechanically in Magic: The Gathering, and (because the Supreme Court barely does their job for most of the year, despite the shocking amount of evil they manage to do in that time), we at the Commander’s Herald have only now had the chance to interview any of the justices regarding the decision for 23-939, Trump v. United States. Part of the decision reads as follows:
“Under our constitutional structure of separated powers, the nature of Presidential power entitles a former President to absolute immunity from criminal prosecution for actions within his conclusive and preclusive constitutional authority.”
Or, for those who don’t speak legalese, they’re functionally saying that he can’t be prosecuted for anything he does in office, because (as the document later argues) they claim that everything that the President does is an official act:
“When the President exercises such authority, Congress cannot act on, and courts cannot examine, the President’s actions.”
Naturally, instead of asking anything more important or pressing, we at the Commander’s Herald have continued to serve our audience’s needs and ask about this act’s implications for Magic: The Gathering.
“I suppose it is, technically, a question,” agreed Supreme Court legal expert Chris Johnson. “By the legal definition, it is technically true that that is something that you can ask. Why you would ask it is beyond me, but your choices are your own. Sorry–this interview is about a *trading card game?*”
After Johnson exited our interview early, citing that he could be doing “literally anything else” at the moment, we sought out a Magic: The Gathering judge, who was similarly uncertain.
“I mean… mechanically, yes, what the rules of the game define as a ‘crime’ and what is an actual, real crime that would theoretically be prosecuted in a court are two things that share only a conceptual, flavor-based relation,” says LGS judge Sarah Collins. “But, I mean, if you look at who the President is and how he behaves, I think he would target one of your permanents and then say it’s not a crime. And, I mean, how am *I* supposed to disagree? He’s the most powerful man in the world, and I’m barely even paid for this.”
“I mean, if you think about it, it’s actually a bad thing that he’s not allowed to commit crimes,” says Fox News host Brian Kilmeade, who formerly stated that he believes that our society should just institutionally execute everyone experiencing homelessness, and was for some reason allowed to continue having any public opinion on anything after just giving a half-assed apology. “Most cards in the game that care about crimes *reward* you for doing so. The President can’t play Marchesa, Dealer of Death in his Commander games because he can’t actually use her effect for anything. It’s a bold and noble sacrifice that he’s making for us, the white rac–I mean, the American people. I think he should be rewarded for it, and I’ll demonstrate how by personally cleaning his shoes with my tongue.”
Remembering that for all intents and purposes, several members of the American Supreme Court have all but declared themselves ready and willing to receive bribes from wealthy donors with upcoming cases, we manged to secure an interview with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, on the promise that we would gift him a luxury RV, like the one he received from former healthcare executive Anthony Welters back in 1999 and then failed to disclose, despite his legal obligation to do so.
“I mean, the decision is pretty clear,” said Thomas, speaking about a 119-page PDF. “We said that he can’t be prosecuted for anything he does while he’s President–specifically including the time he openly attempted to overthrow the government to keep power, which was the most blatant and obvious attack on our democracy that this nation has ever experienced. We wanted you all to forget about that, and we’ve done so much evil since that many of you actually have. We generally believe that President Trump can do whatever he wants, and only *barely* thought we should probably keep birthright citizenship in our most recent sessions. Though we *did* leave the door open for the next fascist regime to try again, because we hate you all and are fully and deliberately servants of those in power.”
We then attempted to spend several minutes explaining to Thomas the “crime” mechanic and how it works. The justice *is* seventy-eight years old, and has the patience of a TikTok viewer, so he gave up quickly and said to just ask him the questions and that he would make a snap judgment without really considering the legal implications, like he and his colleagues do anyways for their “shadow docket” decisions.
Thomas continued, “And oh, you’re one of those transgender women, right? I hope you didn’t take our recent Title IX ruling banning you and people like you from participating in college sports personally. It’s not personal for me. It’s just that I’m extremely opposed to the idea of you or anyone like you existing, and want to do everything I can to prevent it. Now, then, where’s my RV?”
We handed Thomas a copy of Optimus Prime, Hero, and ended our interview. Thomas did attempt to pursue us, demanding the gift that he had been promised, but we managed to outrun him because he is 78 years old and presumably quite slowed down by the weight of his hubris and the evil he has chosen not to prevent.
