WotC Using UB: Star Trek to Help Customers Recreate Federation Humans’ Lack of Money

San Francisco, CA — In 2373 on the formerly Cardassian space station Deep Space Nine in orbit around the planet of Bajor, Jake Sisko said the sentence that perfectly sums up humanity’s economic situation in the 24th century:

“I’m human, I don’t have any money.”

Of course, in 2026, we’ve so far only gone through 2 of the 4 world wars necessary to unite all nations into a grand society free of money, as well as a complete lack of replicators that allow us to convert matter into other, more convenient forms of matter. But that hasn’t stopped Grand Nagus Cocks, leader of the Hasbro Toy Trade Guild, from striking a deal with Paramount emperor Gul Ellison to drain humanity’s coffers, one nerd at a time.

“It’th really quite ingeniouth,” Cocks sputtered from behind poorly-fitted prosthetic teeth as a beautiful young fee-male assistant stroked his enlarged earlobes. “We thimply create a product that every 40-60 year old hyoo-man thimply MUST purchathe to remind themselveth of their wildly mithpent youths, bump up the prithe by a frankly unnecethary 20-30%, and we’ll be THWIMMING IN LATINUM!! HAHAHA! Well, not literally, of courthe. That thtuff is quite hazardouth. That’th why we preth it in gold. Way thafer and more convenient.” He slammed his desk, and screamed at his assistant. “WENCH! FETCH ME THE EXECUTIVE Q-TIPTH!”

“You simply must excuse my associate,” Gul Ellison, leader of the Paramount Empire told us in a later interview. “Men like him are driven by… simple desires.” Ellison sat in front of us behind a large black desk, surrounded by LCARS consoles and silhouetted by a massive window showing the sickeningly yellow sky of Los Angeles. The Gul’s face and neck were covered in plainly reptilian scales, despite his full head of hair. “Some may say that our empire has been… waning in the recent years. While I would push back on that particular narrative, I will admit that things have not been going as swimmingly as I had once hoped.” He arched his fingers. I would say in a “menacing” way, but honestly there’s no non-menacing way to arch your fingers. It’s a gesture reserved for the menacing.

“We of course have had to make deals in that past that some would call… morally questionable. Perhaps even ‘loathsome.’ Not I, of course. Those in the seat of Gul are above such words. One must simply make deals regarding CNN with the alien leaders of the Gamma Quadrant to be allowed to purchase Warner Bros. on occasion. But I assure you, there is no greater act I can perform for mankind besides allowing a toy company to wildly overcharge for trading cards featuring 60’s, 80’s, and 90’s television characters. I believe you will all thank me one day. Now run along and write your little… article. I’m sure we will all find it quite quaint. Please enjoy your three Universe Beyond sets this year.”

As I was escorted from his office, I stopped, turned to him, and defiantly corrected him. There were, of course, four sets.