Permeating Mass Outbreak Puts “Thousands of Collections” in Danger, CDC Warns
Washington, D.C. — In 2016, an inconspicuous bulk rare was released onto the world. For years, it has bided its time by not being played even a little bit. Recently, however, reports have shown some kitchen table players playing this mediocre creature to disastrous effect, leading to an official statement from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
The first report came from a mother in Texas, saying her son’s cards started “looking the same.” After she brought the cards in question to a local game store to complain, the store’s inventory began to be overrun by copies of Permeating Mass. The store’s owner declined to comment, but looked distraught.
From there, it seems that the infestation spread across Texas and then over state lines, perhaps disproving the theory that Magic players don’t socialize, but simultaneously lending credence to the notion that they’re unhygienic.
Transmission occurs during combat damage, a period that has gone woefully understudied by the field of public health up to this point, especially in underserved communities like outside-the-game and dusty bulk boxes.
Dr. Richnerd Farfield, head of the CDC’s card game division, has issued a statement warning players of the risks and informing them how to keep their protections safe. “We have found that sleeved cards are much less likely to become permeated. In fact, we haven’t found a single case of a double-sleeved Permeating Mass,” Farfield states. Critics point out that this may simply be due to no one running the card in anything worth protecting, but Commander’s Herald advises readers to heed the notion nonetheless.
Predictably, there has been backlash from certain sects of the Magic community regarding the outbreak, and the CDC’s proposed solution in particular. “Who does this guy think he is?” asked veteran player John Johnsonson. “I’ve been playing with unsleeved cards since 1889, and some uptight suit in Washington isn’t changing that.” Shortly after saying this, Johnsonson’s collection was permeated, though he hasn’t responded to our request for a follow-up.
Since the release of Farfield’s statement, little has improved regarding the seemingly inexorable tide of Permeating Masses. No deaths have been reported so far, presumably because these are just trading cards, but equally bad in their minds, some collectors have seen their collections plummet in price as they morph into one mana 1/3s.
In order to fully understand the threat of these masses, I bought one from a victim who claims it used to be a Spacegodzilla, Death Corona. Honestly, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. It’s kind of a cool design; I might build a deck around it.
Editor’s Note: The author of this article quit before it made it through to publication, citing a newfound passion for gardening. When delivering his resignation, I noticed his green thumb, which I mean quite literally. He said he got a paper cut from one of his cards, and it got infected. It’s probably nothing.
