Game Store’s Strict “No Vegetables” Policy Paying Dividends During Diarrhea Outbreak

Ship Bottom, NJ — Once dismissed as an irrational and baffling business policy, Ogre’s Hole’s strict “No Vegetables” rule has become an unlikely model of public health preparedness and diarrhea defense, as the local game store emerges as one of the few venues untouched by the ongoing Cyclospora outbreak.

With zero cases among his customers, store owner Gatherer Biden (no relation) says he feels completely vindicated.

“What can I say? My doubters have become spouters on the porcelain of regret. I can proudly say I’ve never served a vegetable to any of my patrons! And I will be damned if any veggies cross my threshold!” If there was any doubt in Mr. Biden’s conviction, this reporter witnessed the business owner search, tase, and detain a teenager attempting to smuggle a Boulder full of edamame into the store.

State health officials have clarified that the outbreak has no known connection to vegetables as a category, but rather a single contaminated lettuce. But Mr. Biden considers this distinction “needlessly technical.” “That’s just what Big Veg wants us to think. We’re free thinkers here: at Ogre’s Hole, the food pyramid is the food amorphous solid.”

The Herald reached out to the FDA for comment from the federal level, but heard only a lengthy hiss on the line before being redirected to Cheryl Hines personal cell phone. Ms. Hines, the wife of Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr., graciously agreed to speak with the Herald.

“We’d really prefer people wash their hands and follow basic food safety guidance. Because we all have a role to play in our own health,” Hines said. “But… Bobby is certainly listening when folks ask us to consider the role of zucchini.”

“People laughed at me. They mocked me! For believing broccoli is a gateway produce,” Mr. Biden shouted while running a metal detector with “Veggie Detector” scribbled on it over a patron’s bag. “Who’s laughing now? Not the folks lining up to fill their pants at Sweetgreen!”

Asked about his store’s stance on the classic edge cases, Biden gestured towards a laminated chart behind the register.

At Ogre’s Hole, corn is ruled “acceptable as a syrup” while tomatoes are “too complicated to discuss” and therefore banned. Also spotted: a faded anti-pumpkin poster seemingly left over from this year’s Halloween. “Pumpkin is still a vegetable; nothing changes if you cut some holes in it and call it Jack.”

From interviews with patrons, we learned that the strict ban dates back a decade, after one player snacked on self-supplied baby carrots during a lengthy game of Modern. On the incident in question, Mr. Biden insists that the carrots “changed the energy of the room.”

What do these present customers think now? The reaction from those in line for the store’s refurbished TSA scanner was mixed.

Store regular Balls Cheney, 65 and retired, insists that Mr. Biden is a visionary. “I don’t play Magic or any games at all. Not one. No, I come here to show my appreciation for a business that doesn’t play around when it comes to vegetables.”

Commander player Mike Shilling, 45 and unemployed, said that while he used to have an issue with the policy, he now thinks the store got it right. “I always loved their B sandwich. But with no LT, it felt a little unhealthy? But now I feel like they were watching out for me!”

JD Vance, 41 and the Vice President of the United States, was less positive. “I felt silly scarfing down a bell pepper in front of my friend Peter at the register. Still feel so silly, if we’re being honest. But I admit, it’s better than the alternative of fighting for my life on the can.”

Perhaps unsurprisingly, things are much less sunny down the road at GreenLeaf Cafe. Due to the sheer volume of it all, the vegan LGS has hastily redirected all hands towards plumbing support and air freshener procurement.