NY Mets Announce Pivot to cEDH to Make Their 37% Win Rate Acceptable
QUEENS, NY — New Yorkers will soon have just one baseball team to root for, as The New York Mets have announced they will cease baseball operations and pivot their organization to cEDH, in an effort to make their .375 winning percentage acceptable.
The New York Metropolitans (friends call them the Mets) have been a member of Major League Baseball’s National League since 1962, winning two World Series Titles in 1969 and 1986. However, the team has since struggled to maintain a winning record or any semblance of competency.
This past offseason saw the departure of fan-favorites Pete Alonso, Edwin Díaz, Brandon Nimmo, and Jeff McNeil, leading many fans to begin this year with a level of anger not seen since the previous year or the one before that.
That anger intensified after a franchise-worst 12-game losing streak to begin the year. With interest waning and depression setting in, ownership decided drastic changes were necessary to keep fans engaged. Thus, the ball club will change its organizational focus from baseball to Magic: The Gathering’s semi-official, competitive 100-card format, cEDH, where their win rate will actually look quite impressive.
To better understand the move, the Herald reached out to Steve Cohen, hedge fund manager and owner of the Mets, for his comments on the announcement. Agreeing to sit down with us, we visited Mr. Cohen’s office and were welcomed by Cohen sipping wine and Mr. Met force-feeding sunflower seeds to a restrained and blindfolded man beside his desk.
“I’m a businessman, so I know when a brand needs a pivot. More seeds, yes. Choke on them. Our first thought was a pivot to AI, but Mr. Met over here’s had an anti-AI clause since the Roomba incident. So, a pivot to cEDH was the obvious next choice. We don’t have to win much at all to seem competent. Heck, we can even tie!”
Pressed for the specifics on how a baseball team would even begin to convert itself to competitive Magic, Cohen had this to say, “Easy. Our $330 million payroll was enough to cover almost all of a meta deck. And I can keep Carlos here on board to manage things until we get our feet wet…”
Hacking up sunflower seeds, Manager Carlos Mendoza added, “…I said starting with Blue Farm makes sense. I think midrange will really appeal to our fanbase.”
Cohen interrupted, “They don’t expect immediate gratification like the Yankees fans do. A turbo deck makes more sense for our crosstown friends to pick up, should they decide to follow our lead after they get eliminated in the ALCS again this year.”
For insight into the broader cEDH community’s thoughts on the move, the Herald visited the home of cEDH coach and Tournament Grinder Ian Flannery, aka ComedIan_MTG. After wading through piles upon piles of Timetwisters, we sat down for the interview.
“Everybody’s excited about it! A big franchise like the Mets joining lends a lot of legitimacy to the format. Who knows if broadcasters might be interested?”
“As for how they’ll fare? I’m no baseball expert, but I know a hell of a lot about table politics. Being so used to sitting at the kids’ table, I imagine even the 4th seat will be a big upgrade for them.”
