[Opinion] Stop Pointing at Elesh Norn and Going “Body Goals,” It’s Weirding Everyone Out
Chicago, IL — Seriously, cut it out. I need you to understand that when I say “You’re scaring the hoes,” I mean us. We’re the hoes that you’re scaring.
Like, sure. I get it. When you were young, your parents let you watch Alien and Hellraiser for some reason, and it permanently warped your perception of what an attractive person looks like. And yeah, you have body dysmorphia. We all do. That’s why we play Magic. The amount of times I’ve looked at a picture of the RX-124 TR-6 Gundam Woundwort and went “what if I had those hips though” is more than I’d like to admit. But the third time you played one of the namesakes of your “Oops All Elesh” deck and said “Yo girl, what those boneplates do,” we were all done. We got the bit, you can stop now.
No, we’re not angry with you. We still love you. At least, I think most of us do? I’ll have to consult the chart. Either way, we’re not kicking you out. We’re just asking you to stop asking for us to pass the glistening oil so you can be closer to your cenobite mommy. We can roleplay that if you want later, but dinnertime is the worst possible time for that, sweetie. You can beg for your free will and ability to make decisions in your life to be replaced by exposed muscle fiber and way too many teeth, but not while we’re trying to eat our fried chicken.
I’m not a licensed therapist. I only assume that the reason that you want to be a perfect fusion of flesh and machine in service to the Mommy of Machines is because your actual mother was the only person in your life who was willing to stand up to your abusive father, who always punished you for what he perceived was making the wrong decisions. Mostly because you tell us that at least once a week, but I digress. I didn’t mean for this to take so long, so I’d like to apologize for interrupting your phase, I have nothing to play in reaction to you playing Elesh Norn, Grand Cenobite. Cool.
No, you can keep playing that deck, that’s your favorite deck. Also because if you stop, you’ll probably play your Aminatou, the Fateshifter deck, and we’d have an even more uncomfortable conversation. Yeah, we all get that it’s because you want to capture the childhood that you felt was robbed from you both because of your father and your chromosomes, that’s not what we have an issue with. Yeah. Because you’re white. Greasefang, Okiba Boss? No, Greasefang is fine, she’s hot as fuck, go ahead.
Okay wait hold on I do have some things to say about you calling Ajani, Strength of the Pride your “thorny-dicked kitty onii-chan who can pin me down and bite the nape of my neck to prevent me from escaping.”
