Arcades, the Strategist Files Lawsuit Against Ozempic
COPENHAGEN — Novo Nordisk, the pharmaceutical company that produces Ozempic, has been sued by the elder dragon Arcades, the Strategist. The Dragon claims that the company has significantly reduced the base toughness of many creatures, reducing his effectiveness as a commander. He’s suing the company for lost games.
“Listen, I’m a big butts commander,” the Elder Dragon shared in a press conference earlier this week. “I’m not some generic value engine dragon. I do one thing: turn fat asses into big juicy card draw and damage. That doesn’t work when every defender from Dominaria to Duskmourn is suddenly a 2/1. This Ozempic crap has single-handedly ruined my whole schtick.”
There’s no denying that Arcades is correct that the medication has resulted in lower toughness for many creatures. According to the current oracle text Charix, the Raging Isle, Autochthon Wurm, and Jokulmorder all have single-digit toughness scores now. Even Ghalta, Primal hunger was able to get his eating habits under control with the new medication, now a 5 toughness creature without trample.
Bitsy The Pride of Hull Clade is one of the creatures who credits the drug for its weight loss. “I’m down to a 2/9. Smallest I’ve been since I was a teenage Crocodile/Elk/Turtle amalgamation. I’ve never felt better. Sure, I’m not quite as effective in combat, but it’s done wonders for my knee pain. If Arcades was really so worried about my big butt he’d pay the mana for me to get a BBL.”
Other toughness-matters commanders have shared Arcade’s complaints, though none have joined him in filing lawsuits yet. Doran, the Siege Tower told us, “The rot of big pharma has sickened the hearts of my fellow creatures. Where once they jiggled thick and bountiful, they now stand stiff and flat like so many dead branches in autumn. It troubles me.”
Novo Nordisk has responded to the lawsuit dismissively. Company representative August Nielsen responded to the filing, saying, “This lawsuit is absurd. It’s not our responsibility to balance trading card game archetypes. Many of these cards have dangerously high toughness-to-power ratios. Mr. The Strategist should be looking out for the health of his creatures, not his win rate. More importantly, we don’t care for the implication that medical companies should be held accountable for things. It’s a bad precedent to set.”
We consulted retired Azorious lawmage, Bill Lawson, who informed us that the case is far from open and shut. “There have been cases where commanders have successfully sued companies in the past. Gyome, Master Chef sued KFC for the Double Down sandwich, successfully proving they irreparably damaged the very idea of food. More recently, Zinnia, Valley’s Voice sued Trojan Condoms when they tried to branch out into Bloomburrow. I’d expect a settlement, but Arcades has a real shot.”
The Ozempic lawsuit could have major ramifications for both the medical community and commander pods alike. In the meantime, Novo Nordisk has added “may reduce the likelihood of being included in toughness-matters decks or Sir Mix-a-Lot music videos” as a side effect for Ozempic.
