Trump Repeatedly Grabbed Opponents' Lands During Recent Magic: The Gathering Game

Jon Ruggiero • January 13, 2025

Satire

Palm Beach, FL - While shirking preparation duties for his upcoming inauguration, President Donald Trump took the time to play a game of Magic: The Gathering and annoyed opponents by trying to take their lands whenever he could.

Though the group Trump played with was made up of sycophants and yes-men, his opponents were still disturbed by the president's actions.

"I love the guy, and know he's going to make this country great again," said David Cheltenham, an assistant to Trump who regularly games with him, "but I don't know that I want to play Magic with him anymore. He generally wins any game we play against him; it's in our contracts to lose to him. But he's getting a little carried away nowadays, like he feels that the rules don't apply to him and he can get away with anything. I thought I'd be happy to see him like this, but I'm just aggravated.

"Donnie likes to play a lot of decks with theft effects, most notably his Tergrid, God of Fright

where he altered the art to be a man. He does everything he can to take away his opponents' cards because he plays with proxies and would rather get his hands on other people's expensive stuff, so that's not unusual. Only, you should've seen him in our last Commander game: whether it was his turn or not, he'd just sneak his hand across our battlefield and randomly grab a land, saying that he controls it now."

The rules of Magic have been explained to the incoming president over and over again by his associates, but he ignores the rules or does not care to follow them if it means he doesn't get to play the game the way he wants.

"We used to have a great time playing games like this back in the day," Cheltenham continued, "back when we'd play Texas hold 'em and use sex workers like poker chips. But ever since he got elected for the second time he's seemed like a different man. He's angrier when he doesn't get his way, he won't listen to reason, and he thinks that every Sacred Foundry

and Godless Shrine
 is his to own. Not like you'll hear me say anything against him, I don't want to get on his bad side. Oh, I should've asked, are you recording this conversation?"

At press time, Cheltenham realized he was being interviewed for a printed article and fled the country to not incur the wrath of the incoming 47th President of the United States.

Jon Ruggiero

Jon Ruggiero

Escape room designer, comedy show host, satire writer; Jon Ruggiero never misses an opportunity to do weird things for money. He's written for Cracked, Hard Times and Hard Drive, and hopes you enjoy what he writes here.