TMNT Prompts Catholic Players To Give Up Magic For Lent

VATICAN CITY, VATICAN – Magic: The Gathering and Catholicism. Two cults that don’t always see eye to eye. But on this Ash Wednesday, a new chance has come for many a lapsed soul, as the upcoming TMNT release prompts Catholic players to give up Magic for Lent.

It began with Magic player Timothy John O’Mulligan-Tofour. In their weekly contentious phone call, TJ insisted to his mother that he had given up something substantial for Lent this year–his favorite game, Magic: The Gathering. Over her doubts, the prodigal sorcerer swore that this was authentic and that, despite what her friends on Catholic parenting forums said, missing the TMNT release would be a real sacrifice. For realsies.

Many players have since followed his example, calling their Catholic moms or grandmas to let them know of their own Lenten sacrifice. The Herald cornered TJ and asked him to explain his movement:

“Well, the Ninja Turtles are Italian, and my family’s Irish Catholic. So there’s a slight difference there. April O’Neil’s ours, of course, but I’m pretty sure Splinter’s a Buddhist and Shredder’s Lutheran. Krang’s a clear Scientologist…”

(TJ continued to speculate on the faiths of TMNT characters until forced to stop.)

“Ow, okay! Is Magic a strain on my wallet, relationships, and sanity? Yes. Has that stopped me before? No. But this was a great chance for me to get my finances in order, get a message to Wizards, and get back in the will.”

“So yes, you got me. I had other motivations. But c’mon, there are a bunch of TradCath freaks out there, and my mom isn’t one of them. Let me do this for her. She’s a nice Catholic lady who also happens to believe that turtles go to hell. ”

Distracted by that last bit, we asked the Vatican to confirm if turtles are indeed damned. Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa–a legit guy with a verifiable last name that I promise we did not make up–responded:

 “All animals are creatures of God, but canonically, these turtles’ mutation was by man’s hand. Would God even recognize them? Three great Renaissance artists, and also Donatello, inspired their names, but are the turtles likewise inspired by His creation? These are important questions.”

Unsatisfied, we attempted to get an even more authoritative assessment, but Pope Leo was busy shitting in the woods. However, the Herald did later receive a cryptic voicemail denouncing the pizza lands and demanding deep-dish versions.