Oops! Magic Players Accidentally Summon Satan, End Up Having A Great Time

Paul Perjuns-Tart • October 14, 2022

ROHOBOTH BEACH, Del. -- A group of friends playing the Magic: the Gathering multiplayer format known as Commander cast a spell which, somehow accidentally summoned the prince of darkness.

"We were totally freaked when Satan showed up," Maisie Patterson recalled. "I thought it was Matt playing a prank at first, but then he arrived with more queso. That's when I knew something had gone horribly wrong. We all kind of looked at each other, silently wondering if we were going to die some horrible, gruesome death. Satan looked at Matt and asked if his queso was for everyone. Apparently the dude is obsessed with Mexican food, but he was very clear he wasn't talking about shitty tex-mex, but real Mexican. Anyway, after a passionately eloquent monologue about tacos, Satan whips out a Commander deck and asks if we're around a 7 power level."

Satan recounted his unexpected visit.

"I get it. Most people don't expect me to show up to Commander night," Lucifer said. "You might be wondering how something like this happens in the first place. Not everyone may remember this, but back when Magic: the Gathering was brand new, the Christians were not happy. It was smack dab in the early nineties era of satanic-panic, so of course they were pissed about actual magick spells being put into their kid's hands. It's strange how, of all things, they were right about this one.

"Anyway, with the popularity of Magic: the Gathering continuing to rise, since then I've been summoned a lot more than you'd think. I used to end up at a lot of GPs where I'd fly under the radar as a cosplay. After that I'd make plenty of appearances at an LGS, you know, do selfies with fans and sign autographs, but nowadays I find myself popping into a group of friends playing Commander at home. Of all the places I've been summoned to, I enjoy coming to these the most. It's a lot more chill.

"It's been happening so much I've started carrying a couple Commander decks with me at all times; I felt like a dick always asking to borrow someone's deck. One is about a 7 and the other is my cEDH deck. It usually takes a couple games for people to trust that I won't cast them into hell or something if they throw damage my way, but by game three I think they get it. I always tell them the same thing, yes I can send you to hell, but if I do you won't want to leave."

"Turns out the ruler of Hell plays group hug exclusively," Patterson shrugged. "I thought he'd be burn or Demon tribal or something. He's also super agreeable in terms of politics and is a man, er uh, demon of his word. Everyone kept trying to ally with him to the point where we were fighting for his favor."

With so many people expecting the Devil to be a horrible entity of darkness and terror, Lucifer expanded on the stereotype.

"Don't believe everything that you read," laughed Satan. "I won't deny I pissed off my dad a bunch. But really, what did I do? Talked Adam and Eve into an apple from the tree of what again? Knowledge? Oh gosh, what a terrible guy I am thinking that  humanity shouldn't live their lives as a bunch of subservient dumb-dumbs. I shouldn't have been so nice to them since ol' Adam was a complete dick to Lilith. Sorry, dude, you're not her boss. Just because she didn't listen to you and wanted to be treated equally, suddenly she's a she-demon? Let's just say I'm really glad these cards summon me and not one of dad's "good" angels. Pubstompers. The whole lot of 'em."

"Put away your wallet, Satan. You're not paying for everyone's drinks again."

Patterson and her group of friends finished their games of Commander for the night, but found that the spell they cast to summon Satan worked on a timer.

"He said that we had him for another six hours. Apparently the spell lasts for eight hours before Lucifer is returned to his dominion in Hell. He said that's actually how the original length of a workday was derived. Dude was full of really cool facts, and man, could he tell a story. Anyway, we decided to spend the rest of the night getting drunk at the beach. I ended up talking with him the whole time. Really great listener. You can tell he was really interested with what I had to say. Not  just waiting for his turn to speak either, you know? On top of it all, dude is hilarious. James told Matt to "go to Hell" at one point, and Satan sent him there!

"When Matt got about about an an hour later, he looked pretty upset. We thought it must have been awful, but he was actually pissed he had to leave. Without going into too much detail, he said, 'Think about all the really awesome shit that religions get all butthurt about. All that stuff is happening down there, twenty-four-seven.' Well, after that the rest of us kept asking to go to Hell too. Satan kind of just laughed and said we'd accidentally discovered the entire purpose of religion, and while there wasn't time for the rest of us to have a visit, he did ask us to come next month. Turns out he's getting married and invited us! Such a cool dude!"

More Satanic worship at pauperjumpstart.com

Paul Perjuns-Tart is often told he’s small for his age despite being 41, earning him the nickname “Lil’ P.P.” on the count of his size and initials. Recently trapped under an upside down glass, he was forced to write for pauperjumpstart.com where he’s rewarded with tortillas and spoonfuls of peanut butter so long as he doesn’t try to escape. When he’s not running across a keyboard like that scene in the movie Big, he’s printing out mean internet comments for his scrapbook. Magic: The Gathering.