I Spent My Life Savings Searching for One of One Meat Stick
Topeka, Kansas — I risked everything seeking some valuable mystery meat, and I lost.
To set the stage, Magic: the Gathering‘s recent collaboration with beef-stick company Mythical Meats has combined the spices and cured meats of beef jerky with the glorified gambling of a trading card game, creating a product perfect for risk-takers of all kinds. Look, I’m not normally a gambler, but something about these sticks of fandom-themed meat ensorcelled me.
They’re flavored based on the guilds of Ravnica, allowing players to bite down on beef from their favorite factions. Perhaps you want the earthy notes of meat sourced from the Golgari Rot Farm; or maybe you prefer the lab-grown offerings of the Simic Growth Chamber; the possibilities aren’t endless, but they are boneless!
Of course, anyone wishing for any flavor in particular will need to count on luck, as these meat sticks come in randomized booster packs of ten. This also means they’re not draftable without jumping through a lot of hoops–which is inadvisable on a stomach full of beef.
I am, unfortunately, one such player. I spent over $100,000 on packs of beef sticks in search of the 1/1 serialized “Excowlibur,” a mythic rare beef stick marked with a unique stamp to signify its value. It’s said that its meat was sourced from the Holy Cow itself, which isn’t from Ravnica but that’s why it’s so special, probably.
I didn’t find Excowlibur, and now I’m left with nothing but a mountain of opened packs of fresh meat. Seriously, I have so much worthless beef in my house now. I don’t know what to do. I can’t eat all of this meat. I think I’m gonna try to sell them back to my LGS; maybe if I put some toothpaste on some of them I can pass them off as “Near Mint.”
Anyway, the prized beef was instead opened by an unknown player at a game store in Nebraska, who sold it for $2 million to musician and Magic player Austin “Post Malone” Post, who subsequently ate the meat stick.
Post is currently in the hospital recovering from consuming incredibly rare meat, so I guess I’m not the only victim here.
