Synthetic Destiny by Dave Kendall

Picture this: you're cruising down the highway in your four-wheeler. Well, cruising is a bit of a stretch; it's a traffic jam, and you can see some fifty-eight-odd automobiles stretching all the way down the horizon. In the car on your right, you witness a frustrated businessman screaming into a cell phone. In the car on your left are four big, floofy, fluffy clowns sticking their heads out the window with their tongues out. The only time people show their true selves is when they think nobody is watching.

Yasova The Rainbow

Hello, my name is Michael Celani, PhD, and I took one psychology course in college. Everyone wears masks in social situations, and I'm not talking about surgical ones. We each put on a performance every day to our families, friends, and concubines, showing only the parts of us we think they want to see. It's true: we only use 10% of our personalities, and it's that power we're going to leverage to bludgeon your opponents over the head in a game of Commander -- metaphorically speaking, of course.

Yasova Dragonclaw steals away enemy creatures until the end of the turn with her triggered ability each combat, giving us just enough time to use our polymorph spells to show what terrifying beasts lie within!

Look, I'm Not Going To Make It Through This Article Without a Persona Pun, So Let's Get It Over With Because I Am A Joker

If you want to probe the inner machinations of a Giant Ambush Beetle's mind and release the unconscious power within, you'll need some help from the experts. These creatures and spells will leave you Jungry for more:

• We're looking at effects like Polymorph and Transmogrify; spells that destroy or exile a creature, and rip through the deck for a replacement. These effects work for the card's controller, not its owner, making Yasova's stolen saps perfect targets!
• If you're looking for a two-for-one special on psychological breakthroughs, Divergent Transformations rolls two Polymorphs together for the low, low price of four mana, all thanks to its Undaunted mechanic.
• Indomitable Creativity is great for unlocking a multitude of creatures, but if you have some Saheeli, Sublime Artificer Servo tokens in play, they can also fish up Proteus Staff!
  • Don't forget, if you need a creative way to get rid of threats, your polymorph spells can be used as removal too.
• Lukka, Coppercoat Outcast is guaranteed to return to you a higher mana value creature than the one you threw at him. Yasova Dragonclaw's ability only cares about the power of her target, so aim for more expensive creatures whenever you can.
• Once it's in the yard, Reality Scramble's retrace ability lets you use your extra lands as more fuel for the fire.
• Speaking of fire, the Fireflux Squad reveals someone's inner monster when it attacks, and it has haste to boot.
• For a plurality of polymorphs, Jalira, Master Polymorphist's activated ability will keep you in business even as your instants and sorceries dwindle.
• Finally, Synthetic Destiny and Mass Polymorph work on all your creatures at once, so throw them once you've got a sizable army of dorks!

Where The Wild Things Are

Inside each creature is two wolves, and they're both Eldrazi. These creatures are the horrifying internalized representations of the monotonous hell that modern, capitalist society has wrought upon us:

• I was at a wedding where one of the guests told me that I live a very exciting life within my imagination. In that spirit, the Archetype of Imagination allows all your big beaters free passage to the opponent's face, which incidentally is how I got kicked out of that wedding.
• Most sphinxes are running nine-to-fives, but the Inspired Sphinx says otherwise. Not only does she have decent stats, she'll draw you three cards when she enters and she can create additional polymorph fodder with her ability.
• Some people's spirit animals are goddamn dinosaurs, which is where Nezahal, Primal Tide comes in. Even if an enemy tries to remove this sticky serpent, you're already coming out ahead in card advantage.
• Don't like your Mass Polymorph results? Scholar of the Lost Trove invites you to try your luck once more.
• No, ivermectin won't treat a case of the Worldspine Wurm either, but you can feel good about it reentering the Reality Scramble roulette when you pitch it to Thirst for Meaning.
• Rounding out the cast are the huge offensive threats that nobody wants coming their way: Avatar of Slaughter, Ulamog's Crusher, Inkwell Leviathan and Pathrazer of Ulamog. Double up on their power with Nylea's Colossus!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Gibbons

You may be surprised to learn that I've already enumerated every spirit animal: all 12 of them. But Yasova Dragonclaw's ability is expensive, and we can't include small creatures as fodder because they might end up being polymorphed into. What can we do if Yasova is out of commission? It's time to blow your mind: we'll just reveal the spirit animal... of our enchantments.

Yes, although our deck runs only twelve "creatures," it has many more targets than meets the eye. Once your opponent does something as simple as play a land to activate Hidden Stag or cast a spell to activate Veil of Birds, you have everything you need to cheat any creature you want into play, without the risk of hitting something weak!

Save the Brainforest

The psychodiversity of our spirit animals is important, but their habitat is smaller now than it ever has been before because of global conforming. It's not enough to say you're a dog or cat or even a rabbit - take a page from Taco Bell and think outside the bun. Dare to dream bigger. That's why I'm proud to announce my new spirit animal: a thirty-seven inch tall rustic television stand containing nothing but forty copies of Biodome on VHS.

Yes, I am a legitimate scientist.

View this decklist on Moxfield