The year is 20XX. Every Commander deck technician has built a Brudiclad, Telchor Engineer pile at Mythic Championship levels of perfection. Because of this, the winner of a Commander game depends solely on the turn order. The die roll meta game has evolved to ridiculous levels due to it being the only remaining factor in deciding matches. Magic has reached its pinnacle. The peasants live in squalor.
Suddenly, a ray of light cuts through the thick haze. The miasma that had enveloped every pod since time immemorial dissipates, and the masses shield their eyes as a silhouette steps forth. Clad head-to-toe in ”you better believe my mother buys all my outfits for me” chic, he scans the desolate landscape and chooses an auburn fold-up chair, dilapidated from years of neglect, as his throne. The robots glare at him as he shuffles his deck. One gasps audibly as they see a glimpse of — no, it’s not possible!
He reveals his commander, and the Brudicladiators descend upon him. This is the story of the rebel.
The Darkest Timeline
Hello, my name is Michael Celani, née GamesfreakSA; the SA stands for salaried author. You might remember me from my articles on Reddit, and if you don’t know what Reddit is, they’re the website responsible for Gamestop’s stock chicanery. If you were looking for more of that same great content you know and love, you can
like, comment and subscribe find it right here. I now write for the Commander’s Herald, which I’ve been told is either the New York Times or New York Post of Magic: The Gathering. Honestly, I feel equally qualified for either of them.
I’m leading a revolution. The orthodox opinion is that there’s nobody better than Brudiclad, Telchor Engineer to abuse token copies of creatures. Whether you pick Seven Dwarves, Spiteful Sliver, or even Sakashima of a Thousand Faces, Brudiclad warps your token army into a nexus of unmitigated depravity that makes even Roger Stone blush. Everybody’s built a Telchor Engineer deck, and if you haven’t, Miniluv is on their way and they demand you remain stationary in front of your telescreen. Could this Phyrexian menace’s token mastery possibly be challenged? Could another commander dethrone him? Could I find a depiction of something, anything, that makes me feel better about my own appearance?
Noyan Dar, Roil Shaper is the answer to all three questions. He’s also a five-mana Merfolk Ally that lets you turn one of your lands into an Elemental creature whenever you cast an instant or sorcery spell. That effect lasts indefinitely, so you could do things like… create token copies of your creature lands. The plan is simple:
- Resolve permanents with powerful landfall effects.
- Turn your lands into creatures with Noyan Dar.
- Copy your creature lands to ramp and trigger landfall!
Move over, Brudiclad. This is How They Brew It.
Into the Roil
The three Brudiclad pilots opposite him gawked in confusion. “What’s that?” they hissed, bony fingers pointing to the mana symbol printed on the Plains. “They’ve never seen the sun”, he thought to himself as he shook his head. “Just like the poor folk that live in Cleveland.” He placed a creature onto the battlefield. “Landfall?” one muttered, as if a faint spark of recognition from an era long past welled up in their mechanical heart, only to be silenced. His eyes flickered up. “Let me teach you.”
- In addition its art being an accurate depiction of my boss, Fearless Fledgling grows over time to become a potent flying threat.
- Is flickering creatures not hipster enough for you? Ruin Ghost flickers lands, which triggers landfall at instant speed and protects your animated lands from targeted removal.
- Emeria Angel, Retreat to Emeria and Felidar Retreat each reward you with tokens for putting lands on the field. They also have a satisfying chain of word association that Reading Blaster Ages 9-12 veterans like moi drool over.
- Squeak out a win with Canyon Jerboa, who pumps your creatures up for stronger attacks.
- Are your opponents drunk on power? AA (Admonition Angel) can help sober them up.
- Roil Elemental is great at swaying enemy creatures to your side and confusing everyone you’re playing with on Spelltable.
- Emeria Shepherd’s ability resurrects all kinds of destroyed stuff (except my hopes and dreams, which died in 2006 with the release of Dreamworks’s Over The Hedge).
- The Hippie Rolex, also known as the Seer’s Sundial, draws you cards when you play lands.
- Finally, Retreat to Coralhelm is straight-up Lotus Cobra in this deck. You’re bound to have at least one land creature you can untap with this card’s ability.
Fated Infatuation. Finally, a familiar, safe card. Maybe this dissident dweeb wasn’t so bad. The Brudicladiators relaxed a little in their bean-bag chairs as he explained the copy spells and targets in his deck. But even this slight mercy was impermissible, and beneath the Earth’s surface, a much larger threat started to stir…
You won’t be able to copy your lands to get those sweet, sweet landfall triggers immediately; you need to animate them first. Sometimes, you’ll be stuck with just a copy spell in hand, so these creatures make great initial targets.
- Cloud of Faeries not only wins the Barry B. Benson Most Entertaining Creature to Picture Interacting with a Bug Zapper Award, it also untaps land when it enters the battlefield.
- Archaeomancer and friends let you return that clone spell to your hand when the copy hits the field.
- If you need new cards, try copying The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Mulldrifter or 420 Cloudblazer.
Before you clone your land creatures, remember that duplicating animated lands doesn’t net you land creatures. You’ll only get what’s printed on the card when you copy it, so Boyar Dee, Foil Pringler will have to animate the new copies with additional instants and sorceries. This is a bit of a double-edged sword; you can’t be nearly as aggressive, but it’s also much more difficult for your opponents to destroy noncreature lands.
- Quasiduplicate and Cackling Counterpart are both cloning all-stars you can cast from the graveyard.
- Sublime Epiphany works great as a combination clone spell, removal spell, and counter-spell spell…spelly-spell.
- Elicit that “what the Fblthp” reaction when you copy a land and bounce each other player’s creatures with Zndrsplt’s Judgment.
- You don’t need instants or sorceries to clone your lands. Glasspool Mimic and Phyrexian Metamorph can each enter as a land if they’re copying a land creature, or use Dance of Many to get a token attached to an enchantment.
- Metamorph remaining an artifact is important; it lets Saheeli’s Artistry’s second mode target it to make a token artifact land copy.
- Rootborn Defenses protects your board and populates, and once you have a token land creature, Song of the Worldsoul can really help you pop off.
A Cog Invasion
The ground cracked open. From the fissure emerged a hulking behemoth of twisted, glistening steel some twenty feet tall. The peons scattered in terror as it loosed its hideous, metallic shriek. The rebel smirked. He had lured out the Brudicladministrator, and now it was time to blow its mind.
- Clone Darksteel Citadel and you’ve got a massive army of indestructible land creatures.
- Need cards, but only have lands? Blink a land creature with Vanish Into Memory. You’ll draw cards equal to its power, which will be at least six, but since it reenters as a land, you’ll discard nothing.
- Primal Amulet reduces the cost of your clone spells and eventually flips into Primal Wellspring, a decidedly nonlegendary land that produces spell-copying mana.
- It’s the perfect target for Rite of Replication, and the perfect payoff for the deck’s abundance of X-spells.
- Want more lands, but don’t want waste cards to get them? Copy Mystic Sanctuary to repeatedly recover your clone spells.
- Animate and duplicate Evolving Wilds and Terramorphic Expanse to make creatures nobody bothers trying to remove. Then, play a landfall creature like Emeria Shepherd and sacrifice them all to surprise your opponents!
- And finally, Cloudpost is generally terrible, but when you kick Rite of Replication targeting it, you suddenly have six lands that tap for six mana each. Six sides to every problem; six solutions to every side. Thirty-six perfect business solutions to every business.
The Enlightenment of the Proletariat and the Overthrow of the Party
Thoroughly beaten, the Brudicladministrator made a feeble attempt at retribution with its massive Gatling guns. But vengeance is bulletproof, and the rebel shrugged off each round. Its explosion caused the clouds to part, and rays of sunshine warmed the land. The people rejoiced. President Reagan and the 133st Congress established Arbor Day to commemorate the occasion, and Brudiclad was never heard from again.
And that, class, was the Industrial Revolution. Any questions? “…Am I even a licensed substitute teacher?” Weeeeeeeeell…
Noyan Dar EDH
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