| Illustrated by Chase Stone
Hey you! Welcome to Hell. We've been waiting for you! That's right, your last rites have officially been conducted, meaning all the paperwork has officially cleared and you're finally allowed to start your new afterlife. Congratulations! Now, some of you may be a bit confused as to why you ended up here instead of purgatory, heaven, reincarnation, or nowhere at all.
You may also notice that you are dressed in a fancy suit. Yes, it turns out the ancient Egyptians were right: everything you were buried or cremated with is what you take with you to the next life. That's why all the pharaohs and emperors are the one percent here! That might not seem fair, but y'know, Hell. Protesting that you were wealthy in life, too? Well, you weren't buried with any money, so sucks to suck, Rockefeller!
Welcome, welcome! Let me get a good look at you. Oh, wow, let me guess: cut too many corners on your submarine, didn't you? Unforced errors make for the best customers. I'm Michael Celani, once alive, twice a business mogul. In life, I used my vast fortune to finance illegal avocado growing operations so that I could sell their seeds as artillery ordinance to tyrants. In death, I run the illustrious service you see before you: Revival of the Fittest. Your bank accounts might be frozen over, but it don't mean Hell has to before you can recover.
So what can we do for you? With my boy Boston Dynamics, you can track down any of your next-of-kin that's already collected your sizable inheritance and take it back for yourself, by force, if necessary. For this, all we ask is a modest ten percent transfer fee. I know your own personal Hell is being poor, so it's a small price to pay for salvation, wouldn't you say? Just sign on the dotted line, and we can get started.here, we can return you to life for twenty-four hours, just long enough for you to withdraw all your funds before kicking the bucket again, thereby creating a wire transfer across planes of existence. Using our state-of-the-art soul vessels developed by our lifeside-counterpart
Why do this? I'm an antisocial Darwinist; so long as it makes me richer, I'm all for it. That's why I'm in the Fourth Circle, after all. But let me tell you, there's a lot of goody two-shoes up there that oppose trickle-all-the-way-down economics, so for once, you'll need to actually be strong instead of paying other people to be strong for you. That's why you need the Strike Team addon, available for a mere additional twenty percent. It comes chock-full of mercenaries that'll combat trick your power up so you can punch through anything. (You'll also need it becauseis your commander, and everyone seems to forget he has natural double strike, making it real easy to hit that 21-damage threshold.)
- We've found a ton of Bloodrush creatures to help you warmonger your way to wealth: say hello to
, , , and . As long as is attacking, you can discard these creatures to give him a sizable power and toughness boost for cheap. Plus, since they're creatures, you can easily bring them back to your hand during combat: just cast instants!
- And that's not all, because we've got not only Bloodrush, but something better: you can Channel for a buff at any time, even outside of combat. This is great if you've got a ton of sorceries in hand, but not a lot of instants.
- Don't forget that you can use Bloodrush on creatures you don't control, too. If an enemy just let a dork through for a few damage, feel free to pump it up to ten and force the unlucky victim to waste removal just to survive.
- Evoke for a single red mana to give haste alongside a decent power boost. You'll also have a small window to use him as sacrifice fodder when you do this, so don't miss out!
- You're going to be casting a lot of noncreature spells to recur your Bloodrush creatures, which is why is the perfect choice as backup. Be wary though: since he's legendary, you can't rescue him with if things go wrong.
has both Storm and Buyback, so you'll not only be able to pretty consistently get two or more power out of it on cast, but you'll also recur multiple creatures since ' Magecraft works not only when you cast a spell, but also when you a copy one.
- Add in a and nabbing infinite Treasure (which we will gladly take off your hands as a form of payment) isn't unrealistic, either. Just don't forget that your creatures are unbelievably huge when you do this, too; take a swing that turn to knock out at least one player.
- Since creatures will be leaving your graveyard constantly in this deck,
will almost always put a +1/+1 counter on any time you cast an instant or sorcery, which adds up fast thanks to that double strike.
- plays very similarly, but it also has an Adventure that can recur a couple of creatures on its own, including any legendary creatures you might have lost along the way.
Really wish you hadn't hired all those security forces around your private vault, now, don't you? We've planned for this. Another five percent gets you a soul vessel that comes equipped with state-of-the-art cloaking technologies, guaranteeing that nobody will even know you're alive again. Use these tools to bypass anything standing between you and your money, and if you can manage to steal the Declaration of Independence with it I'll throw an extra three hours on your clock.
- Discard a creature that you'll just get back to activate , an effect that makes truly unblockable. You can also pay some mana at the start of your next turn to refresh the card if you need to find something better to use.
- is an extremely cheap Equipment that renders intangible to anything but Walls.
- Unfortunately, we can't really justify since that Shroud is just too unwieldy, but does a respectable impression that also draws you cards when you attack alone for some reason.
- Finally, and can get through crowded board states, and they're effectively free inclusions since they're lands. You might think there's no such thing as a free lunch, but that's a misnomer; you just have to have your friends pay for it.
Life's an Adventure
Like the way you treated everyone else in your life, your strike team is disposable, but sometimes, you need to off more than just one heir. Market research shows that most of our customers need to kill at least three people before they've recovered their wealth, so you'll need to find a way to use your combat tricks multiple times. That's why you need to add the Adventure Team package, a steal at just fifteen percent. Not only are these cards instants and sorceries that trigger, they're also creatures themselves. With careful play, you can easily raise ' power to 11 and make him difficult to block all while ensuring there's always at least one instant or sorcery you can cast to keep the chain going.
and are the cream of the crop; the Adventures are cheap, they buff up ' power, and you can easily cast the creature side of it later for practically no investment.
- isn't quite as good on offense since his adventure is rather pricey, but don't count out using it as a defensive tool to trick someone who thinks you're shields down.
- Your opponent has one nasty blocker stopping you from swinging? Try or . They're reasonably costed and easy to recur removal spells, and the creatures they're attached to aren't bad either.
- If your opponents are catching on to your gameplan and trying to remove your commander at instant speed, use or to protect him. is especially good since its creature component can also jump over a crowded field.
- Every once in a while, you just have to blow up a , and that's why makes the cut. It's also extremely cheap, making it easy to chain into other Adventures.
- , like , also can recur two creatures with one spell, but this one's much better since it's attached to a body. This is a particularly good card to tutor to your graveyard with , since it makes it possible for you to rescue legendary creatures easily.
- And if you just want to ruin everyone's day, and the not-quite-an-Adventure-but-close are board wipes you can cast again and again. even leaves alive, and if you have up, that's 20 guaranteed damage to an enemy's face.
Cost of Doing Business
Now that you're linked to the robot and the soul upload process has started, everything's good to go. Except there's one more thing we should tell you. See, the rules of the afterlife require that you're given your last rites for your money to transfer over with you. And if your soul leaves Earth without that, well, no money, no afterlife. What are the odds someone's going to bury a lifeless robot that just killed a bunch of people? Slim, if you ask me. Fortunately for you, we've got a way around that, but it'll cost you a whole forty-nine percent. Better make the choice before the upload completes, slick.
Our Instant Immolation package lets us perform your last rites for you remotely. Whenever you're ready or at the time limit, we'll simply sacrifice you using one of these lovely spells. Whether it's, , or my personal favorite , the thing that makes these spells unique is that sacrificing a creature is part of its cost. So, with on the field, if you cast a spell like that and sacrifice one of your creatures -- say, an Adventure creature -- that permanent will be in the graveyard by the time you actually finished casting the spell, meaning you can legally target it with ' triggered ability. And since Adventure creatures themselves can trigger , you can easily keep casting pump spells and discarding Bloodrush creatures until you're big enough to wipe the floor with your opponents. But the fun doesn't stop there.
You can use this technique to effectively turn all of your cheap sacrifice spells, like, into bounce spells with upside, so whether it's a great enters-the-battlefield trigger or a great dies trigger, you can always repeat it. You can even loop those cards with to draw lots of cards or destroy tons of enemy permanents, and if you happen upon either of your Casualty spells ( or ) while doing this, it'll be impossible for anything of yours to stay dead. Or maybe you've drawn , which is usually a massive nonbo in this deck. Simply sacrifice it to , return it with ' trigger, and then resolve the Cerberus' death trigger and watch all your creatures come back to your hand. It's truly diabolical!
Payment for Services Rendered
With all packages included, your total cost comes to ninety-nine percent of assets returned, leaving you with the one percent. How ironic. I guess this really is Hell, after all! Well, not for me, but who's counting? Oh, my accountants are. So long, and thanks for all the money!
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Revival of the Fittest (Extus, Oriq Overlord EDH)View on Archidekt
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