How They Brew It - Betor's Punch Pals
Card by Person
Unhealth Insurance
Is everyone here? Good, because we don't have much time. My name is Michael Celani, Doctor of I Have a Medical License, and what I have in this briefcase has made me an enemy of every major healthcare corporation in the country.
I've been caught in the middle of the Blues' Crosshairs more times than I can count, Kaiser wants me dealt with permanente, and let's just say that UnitedHealthcare is looking for a bigger fish to fry than Luigi now. That's all because this briefcase contains nothing less than the realization of human immortality.
Like all incredible scientific advancements, I discovered the secret to immortality when chasing dragons; in this case, Betor, Ancestor's Voice. At the beginning of your end step, Betor strengthens another creature of yours by an amount of +1/+1 counters equal to the life you gained that turn, and then reanimates a creature card in your graveyard with mana value less than or equal to the life you lost that turn. Betor also has lifelink, meaning that, whenever it deals damage, you gain that much life.
Reverse engineering his specific biological properties lead me to a stunning conclusion: the secret to living forever is to punch enough people. Punching people is a one-hundred percent effective way to stave off death. That's right, Ponce de Léon, you idiot: the real Fountain of Youth was inside you all along.
One-Two-Three Punch
Yes, it turns out that the secret to eternal life isn't cigarettes and spite, like my grandfather taught me. The real trick is actually much simpler, and it boils down to these three truths:
- Betor makes creatures stronger each turn relative to the amount of life you gained;
- When a creature you control with lifelink deals damage, you gain that much life; and
- Creatures you control deal damage when you force them to punch things.
This one-two-three punch is a feedback loop that compounds on itself. Whenever you smack something with a lifelinker, you have the opportunity to at least double that creature's power. The next turn, you have the opportunity to double it again, and the turn after that, you've got the opportunity to double that. So long as Betor draws breath, you gain life exponentially quickly.
Honestly, I could end this deck tech here. Put the strongest lifelinkers you can find in a list, add a bunch of fight spells, and live so long that people think you're scamming the government when you collect your Social Security. But this is How They Brew It, and so I'm obligated to give you the craziest variations on the theme that I can find. Are you ready?
Hand-to-Hand Techniques
Evading the rich and powerful showed me that there are two important questions in life: namely, "who's doing the punching?" and "how are they doing the punching?" (You know, I wrote that line as a joke, but the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think it's actually true.)
Let's start by looking at how we're going to be punching, because that's the simpler of the two and it's best to introduce your points in increasing level of complexity to make for a more engaging argument. They, uh, taught me that in doctor school.
There's a ton of your-creature-hits-something-with-their-hitting-appendage spells we have access to in green, so we're paring down our candidates by adhering to a loose priority system. Namely:
- Punching is better than fighting. We want to minimize the risk to our own creatures whenever possible;
- Instant is better than sorcery. We want the flexibility to deal with new threats as they emerge;
- Cheap is better than costly. It's worth it to minimize the mana cost and green pips whenever possible; and finally,
- Flexibility is better than single-purpose. We should try to include spells with multiple modes or effects.
With these rules in mind, let's take a look at what's worth including.
The Punches
Let's start with the most straightforward spells here: for two mana, your creature hits their creature at instant speed. These three have the added bonus of being able to target planeswalkers, too, which makes this list a fair bit more resilient against superfriends shenanigans than your average deck.
These three inclusions unfortunately can't hit planeswalkers, and the deck isn't constructed to take advantage of their niche upsides particularly well, but they're still two-cost instants that punch creatures.
While Contest of Claws fails in that it's a sorcery and Windswift Slice costs three mana instead of the standard two, they have significant utility when dealing excess damage to creatures that we can actually take advantage of as our fighters get stronger.
Both Signature Slam and Band Together cost three mana, but they make up for it by letting multiple creatures get in on the action, vastly increasing the potential for you to gain life (assuming you choose multiple lifelinkers).
The Fights
Moving on to the fights, the flexibility of Dromoka's Command and Inscription of Abundance makes up for the fact that they're not punches. Inscription of Abundance's kicked mode is especially potent since you stand to gain a lot of life in the late game.
These two spells make up for the added risk of fighting by doubling as land drops when you need them.
And lastly, we have some fights with upside. Tail Swipe only costs a single , which could save us in a pinch where we're unable to hold up mana, and Ulvenwald Tracker is a repeatable way (on a creature, no less) to get two dudes in a kerfuffle.
Choose Your Fighter
Now that we've handled the how, let's look at the who, because I won't get fooled again by trash like Champion of Arashin.
You might have been tempted to think that any lifelinking dweeb is okay in this deck -- and you're probably right, it's not like it'll make that much of a difference, all things considered -- but I'm nothing if not thorough. There are over two hundred and fifty creatures with lifelink in Abzan; which ones are we taking with us?
The Trifecta
Let's start with the best: anything blessed with the holy trinity of lifelink, flying, and deathtouch are premium inclusions in this deck. We want lifelink, since we require it for our deck to work; flying, because our win condition is ultimately to hit our opponents with a gigantic beater; and deathtouch, because it upgrades every punch into an automatic kill, even when you're up against something huge.
Not The Trifecta
Including creatures with all three members of the trifecta is ideal, but like good Kingdom Hearts games, there's actually only five of them.1 Unfortunately, most of our options only come with two of the three keywords, and since we obviously need lifelink for our deck to work, we should broaden our search to anything with either flying and lifelink or deathtouch and lifelink.
Flyin' High
Both Liesas make the cut in the flying/lifelink category. Liesa, Shroud of Dusk causes all spells to dome their caster for two life, which is negligible for Betor and damning for everybody else. Liesa, Forgotten Archangel upgrades every kill from a punch into an exile, and your opponents can't reasonably board wipe when she's around thanks to her recursion.
Both Liesas are also huge -- and while it may seem like I'm into that nitpicking in a deck that grows the power of its creatures exponentially, it's worth pointing out that starting at four power is tantamount to two free turns versus starting at one power.
These two flyers pull stuff out of your graveyard right onto the battlefield. Angel of Indemnity has long been a favorite of mine, as it can bring back any permanent with mana value 4 or less from your graveyard (including noncreatures, which is a noticeable blind spot for this deck). Even if it ends up milled, countered, or killed, that encore ability is ready to put you back into the fight, and the fact that it has lifelink for no good reason represents a fifteen point life total swing in your favor when it comes back.
On the other hand, Celestine, the Living Saint revives any creature with mana value less than or equal to the amount of life you gained that turn, which might as well read "any creature" in this deck.
Angel of Indemnity aside, practically nothing in our deck actually does anything when it enters, meaning this list is one of the very few that can run Hushbringer and get away with it. The fact that it's a flying lifelinker is icing, and buffing this thing up to massive proportions would be the most embarrassing way possible for a blink deck to lose.
Kiss of Death
Now for the deathtouching lifelinkers, and we're starting with Vampire of the Dire Moon because it costs and that's it. Sometimes, you just need a disposable blocker to stare down a 20/20, and if an opponent decides to play something terrifying like a turn-one Esper Sentinel, then you're free to punch it immediately and shut off that value valve.
At the three-mana price point, Golgari gets access to Leyline Prowler, a mana dork with deathtouch and lifelink. It's great on-curve, since it ramps you nicely into Betor itself.
Our last two creatures also deal with the graveyard, whether they be filling it (Barrowgoyf) or returning creatures from it (Nethroi, Apex of Death). You're best off mutating Nethroi, Apex of Death onto a flyer, since it'll meld the two creatures together into an unholy abomination that technically wields the trifecta.
Epic Systems
Of course, simply punching people all day isn't going to be practical. To reach true invincibility, you need technology, and that's why I invented the machine inside this briefcase. Behold: the Auto-Glove. You wear it on your hand like this, and it automatically punches anyone within range without you needing to lift a finger yourself. Well, I guess you will lift a finger, because it automatically -- look, here's all the cool tech that works with the deck.
Technically, every fight spell you cast targets one of your own creatures, meaning Season of Growth causes them all to cantrip, Livewire Lash causes them to deal extra damage, and Mavinda, Students' Advocate can recur them without penalty. If you can, try your best to get Livewire Lash on a deathtouching lifelinker; the damage it deals comes from the creature it's equipped to, meaning you'd both gain 2 life and kill another creature for free with every spell.
Mother of Runes has a surprisingly proactive role in this deck, since she can negate the damage one of your creatures would otherwise endure from a fight. Just be careful when tussling anything mono-green: if you give a creature you control protection from green, your spell will fizzle before the fight even gets a chance to get off the ground because your punch spell on the stack is green.
On the other hand, if your opponent has a Mom that's rune-ing your day, Shay Cormac is here to help. For just , you are absolutely, positively, guaranteed to have your fight go through with no hiccups whatsoever, and he buffs himself up whenever you line up a kill.
With so much deathtouch in our deck, Fynn, the Fangbearer represents an alternative win condition in the event some opponent gained infinite life or something.
One of the deck's weaknesses is its liability to getting blown out by an opponent killing your creature in response to a punch spell on the stack. Kutzil, Malamet Exemplar stops that from happening (at least during your turn) and helps you draw cards for good measure.
Odric radiates out your deathtouch, flying, and lifelink to all your creatures, meaning they all get to wield each piece of the Triforce and make their dreams come true. He's a particularly good partner for Saryth, the Viper's Fang, who protects your untapped creatures while giving your tapped creatures more deathtouch.
We've got a couple more ways to turn lifegain into counters, of course. The main benefit of including these redundant pieces is that they can all buff up Betor, which is something he's incapable of doing himself. Making Betor beefy turns on the prospect of a commander damage kill, which is again useful in a lifegain mirror.
These two just turn your lifegain into straight-up burn.
I swear, this is not a meme. This is actually a legitimate way to make your deathtouchers kill entire boards while also ensuring your big fat beater gets through unblocked. I am literally not joking, where are you going--
And Now, The Second Half of the Deck
Shrewd observers may have noticed that I've left out an entire clause on Betor's textbox: namely, that at the beginning of your end step, you get to reanimate a creature card from your graveyard with mana value less than or equal to the amount of life you lost this turn. Well, if all of our deck is filled up with fight spells, lifelinkers, and tech to make the lifelinking fighters better, then surely there's no room to add in ways for us to lose life on our turn, right?
That's where you're wrong, because you forgot about the entire land section.
There are so many lands in this game that hurt you when you tap them for mana. Painlands? Check. Shocklands? Check. Threshold lands? Check. The Horizon Lands? Those Amonkhet Deserts? The Black Gate? Tarnished Citadel? Hall of the Bandit Lord?
Let's not forget every single Modern Horizons 3 modal double-faced land, which can come in untapped for the measly price of three life.
Remember how Liesa, Shroud of Dusk shocked you for every single spell you cast? How about our ramp hurting us, too, with Myr Convert and Staff of Compleation each doming us for two every time we want some more juice?
No, getting the damage done is the easy part. The hard part is actually milling cards so we can reanimate stuff. Luckily, we've got a few choice inclusions here, too:
Any one of these mill engines will fill your graveyard enough for Betor to have his pick, or simply cast a Doom Whisperer and dig to the card you want to play. This milling also makes our recursive flying lifelinkers, like Celestine, the Living Saint, way stronger. Not to mention, with your creatures getting so big, you're liable to get stuff removed in general, so you always have the option of recurring what just died on your turn.
And if that's not enough, our last few slots are dedicated to small creatures that can easily be sacrificed for big effects. Haywire Mite exiles artifacts and enchantments and has the courtesy to add two life back when it dies. Dauthi Voidwalker is especially hellish for your opponents, because with a sufficiently recursive engine built up you'll be able to play whatever you want off your opponents. Sakura-Tribe Elder can fetch out the deck's basics for early game ramp. Best of all, Priest of Fell Rites is a necromancer that happens to charge enough life to recur itself through Betor all on its own!
Coverage Denied
Well, I have to get going. I can't stay in one place for too long. You know, maybe we should set up some sort of club, where we all hit (or fight, if you will) each other in secret, so that we can all -- nah, that would never work. People would talk about that too readily.
Like How They Brew It? Hey, me too! Come check out our Discord and meet up with a bunch of like-minded weirdos brewers. And then, check out the other stuff I do on my website, including a ton of other Magic-related projects. Hope to see you chatting with us soon!
View this decklist on Moxfield
