How They Brew It - Betor's Punch Pals

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Unhealth Insurance

Is everyone here? Good, because we don't have much time. My name is Michael Celani, Doctor of I Have a Medical License, and what I have in this briefcase has made me an enemy of every major healthcare corporation in the country.

I've been caught in the middle of the Blues' Crosshairs more times than I can count, Kaiser wants me dealt with permanente, and let's just say that UnitedHealthcare is looking for a bigger fish to fry than Luigi now. That's all because this briefcase contains nothing less than the realization of human immortality.

Like all incredible scientific advancements, I discovered the secret to immortality when chasing dragons; in this case, Betor, Ancestor's Voice

Reverse engineering his specific biological properties lead me to a stunning conclusion: the secret to living forever is to punch enough people. Punching people is a one-hundred percent effective way to stave off death. That's right, Ponce de Léon, you idiot: the real Fountain of Youth

One-Two-Three Punch

Yes, it turns out that the secret to eternal life isn't cigarettes and spite, like my grandfather taught me. The real trick is actually much simpler, and it boils down to these three truths:

1. Betor
   makes creatures stronger each turn relative to the amount of life you gained;
2. When a creature you control with lifelink deals damage, you gain that much life; and
3. Creatures you control deal damage when you force them to punch things
   .  

This one-two-three punch is a feedback loop that compounds on itself. Whenever you smack something with a lifelinker, you have the opportunity to at least double that creature's power. The next turn, you have the opportunity to double it again, and the turn after that, you've got the opportunity to double that. So long as Betor

Honestly, I could end this deck tech here. Put the strongest lifelinkers you can find in a list, add a bunch of fight spells, and live so long that people think you're scamming the government when you collect your Social Security. But this is How They Brew It, and so I'm obligated to give you the craziest variations on the theme that I can find. Are you ready?

Hand-to-Hand Techniques

Evading the rich and powerful showed me that there are two important questions in life: namely, "who's doing the punching?" and "how are they doing the punching?" (You know, I wrote that line as a joke, but the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to think it's actually true.)

Let's start by looking at how we're going to be punching, because that's the simpler of the two and it's best to introduce your points in increasing level of complexity to make for a more engaging argument. They, uh, taught me that in doctor school.

There's a ton of your-creature-hits-something-with-their-hitting-appendage spells we have access to in green, so we're paring down our candidates by adhering to a loose priority system. Namely:

• Punching is better than fighting. We want to minimize the risk to our own creatures whenever possible;
• Instant is better than sorcery. We want the flexibility to deal with new threats as they emerge;
• Cheap is better than costly. It's worth it to minimize the mana cost and green pips whenever possible; and finally,
• Flexibility is better than single-purpose. We should try to include spells with multiple modes or effects.

With these rules in mind, let's take a look at what's worth including.

The Punches

Let's start with the most straightforward spells here: for two mana, your creature hits their creature at instant speed. These three have the added bonus of being able to target planeswalkers, too, which makes this list a fair bit more resilient against superfriends shenanigans than your average deck.

These three inclusions unfortunately can't hit planeswalkers, and the deck isn't constructed to take advantage of their niche upsides particularly well, but they're still two-cost instants that punch creatures.

While Contest of Claws

Both Signature Slam

The Fights

Moving on to the fights, the flexibility of Dromoka's Command

These two spells make up for the added risk of fighting by doubling as land drops when you need them.

And lastly, we have some fights with upside. Tail Swipe

Choose Your Fighter

Now that we've handled the how, let's look at the who, because I won't get fooled again by trash like Champion of Arashin

You might have been tempted to think that any lifelinking dweeb is okay in this deck -- and you're probably right, it's not like it'll make that much of a difference, all things considered -- but I'm nothing if not thorough. There are over two hundred and fifty creatures with lifelink in Abzan; which ones are we taking with us?

The Trifecta

Let's start with the best: anything blessed with the holy trinity of lifelink, flying, and deathtouch are premium inclusions in this deck. We want lifelink, since we require it for our deck to work; flying, because our win condition is ultimately to hit our opponents with a gigantic beater; and deathtouch, because it upgrades every punch into an automatic kill, even when you're up against something huge.

Not The Trifecta

Including creatures with all three members of the trifecta is ideal, but like good Kingdom Hearts games, there's actually only five of them.¹ Unfortunately, most of our options only come with two of the three keywords, and since we obviously need lifelink for our deck to work, we should broaden our search to anything with either flying and lifelink or deathtouch and lifelink.

Flyin' High

Both Liesas make the cut in the flying/lifelink category. Liesa, Shroud of Dusk

Both Liesas are also huge -- and while it may seem like I'm into that nitpicking in a deck that grows the power of its creatures exponentially, it's worth pointing out that starting at four power is tantamount to two free turns versus starting at one power.

These two flyers pull stuff out of your graveyard right onto the battlefield. Angel of Indemnity

On the other hand, Celestine, the Living Saint

Angel of Indemnity

Kiss of Death

Now for the deathtouching lifelinkers, and we're starting with Vampire of the Dire Moon

At the three-mana price point, Golgari gets access to Leyline Prowler

Our last two creatures also deal with the graveyard, whether they be filling it (Barrowgoyf

Epic Systems

Of course, simply punching people all day isn't going to be practical. To reach true invincibility, you need technology, and that's why I invented the machine inside this briefcase. Behold: the Auto-Glove. You wear it on your hand like this, and it automatically punches anyone within range without you needing to lift a finger yourself. Well, I guess you will lift a finger, because it automatically -- look, here's all the cool tech that works with the deck.

Technically, every fight spell you cast targets one of your own creatures, meaning Season of Growth

Mother of Runes

On the other hand, if your opponent has a Mom

With so much deathtouch in our deck, Fynn, the Fangbearer

One of the deck's weaknesses is its liability to getting blown out by an opponent killing your creature in response to a punch spell on the stack. Kutzil, Malamet Exemplar

Odric

We've got a couple more ways to turn lifegain into counters, of course. The main benefit of including these redundant pieces is that they can all buff up Betor

These two just turn your lifegain into straight-up burn.

I swear, this is not a meme. This is actually a legitimate way to make your deathtouchers kill entire boards while also ensuring your big fat beater gets through unblocked. I am literally not joking, where are you going--

And Now, The Second Half of the Deck

Shrewd observers may have noticed that I've left out an entire clause on Betor

That's where you're wrong, because you forgot about the entire land section.

There are so many lands in this game that hurt you when you tap them for mana. Painlands

Let's not forget every single Modern Horizons 3 modal double-faced land, which can come in untapped for the measly price of three life.

Remember how Liesa, Shroud of Dusk

No, getting the damage done is the easy part. The hard part is actually milling cards so we can reanimate stuff. Luckily, we've got a few choice inclusions here, too:

Any one of these mill engines will fill your graveyard enough for Betor

And if that's not enough, our last few slots are dedicated to small creatures that can easily be sacrificed for big effects. Haywire Mite

Coverage Denied

Well, I have to get going. I can't stay in one place for too long. You know, maybe we should set up some sort of club, where we all hit (or fight, if you will) each other in secret, so that we can all -- nah, that would never work. People would talk about that too readily.

Like How They Brew It? Hey, me too! Come check out our Discord and meet up with a bunch of like-minded weirdos brewers. And then, check out the other stuff I do on my website, including a ton of other Magic-related projects. Hope to see you chatting with us soon!

View this decklist on Moxfield

1. And I'm not telling you which ones.