Going Brokkos – I Spent $8000 On An Ornithopter Tetzimoc EDH Deck Send Help

Naomi Krause • February 24, 2021

(Ornithopter by Howard Lyon)

Hi there. My name’s Naomi and I am absolutely writing these articles and spending this money of my own volition. You should not read into any hidden messages or so called “cries for help” in the following text.

Tetzimoc, Primal Death represents an interesting deckbuilding challenge in that he doesn’t really do anything from the command zone. Similar to Iname, Life Aspect, we need to dunk him through the battlefield hoop into the graveyard and break the backboard with a bunch of usually mediocre resurrect-to-hand effects.  

  

Oh and we’re running an Ornithopter as part of an engine, not at all as a cry for help that can only be deciphered by using the Masterpiece’s collector number as a street in New York City and walking that many paces at the same angle while facing due north.  

The deck is mainly a Black Stax deck that uses Tetzimoc to repeatedly board wipe while setting up annoying you-can’t-play-the-game pieces to slow your opponents’ recovery down. It usually flows by wiping the board and following up with Contamination or Infernal Darkness to prevent your friends from replaying anything. I also threw a Hex Parasite in to keep Infernal Darkness under wraps and your friends who want to play Magic from being able to play Magic.  

I do want to note that the four other people with Tetzimoc decks tend to run more enter-the-battlefield synergies since he relies on being bounced to your hand a bunch.

That’s for nerds who aren’t buying crappy commander decks instead of cars.  

Tetzimoc, Primal Death EDH: The Highlights

Decaying Soil is a phenomenal way to get every creature that dies back so long as you have mana open and a few cards in the bin. I’m surprised I haven’t seen this card more with how easy it is to combo off with, but we’ll get back to that in a moment.  

Tainted Aether fits in the deck like a tied up 157 pound woman fits in a car trunk; easily once you track it down and wrap it up. It annoys the hell out of your opponents while basically letting you put Tetzimoc straight from your hand or command zone into the graveyard. Similarly, Noetic Scales shifts the balance towards flipping your opponents off and flipping Tetzimoc back into your hand.  

Are you sick of anyone casting spells, hate having money and don’t feel like playing blue? Well A. I hate you, and B. try out Nether Void and ignore the fact that it was drawn by someone with extreme beliefs. Just discriminate against spells and donate to the Holocaust Educational Trust the next time you’re spending an unwise amount of money on singles.  

Speaking of asses, Platinum Emperion shuts ours so tightly not even gas can escape. I’ve lost track of the metaphor due to dehydration at this point, but this is pretty much the only thing that stops you from dying to all of the effects that require you to drain your blood for them to function. Platinum Angel also works, but it leaves you vulnerable if you ever hit zero. You should be fine with either so long as you don’t run Emperion out with Necropotence and lock yourself out of the game like a nimrod (which I have never done, shut up Bailey!)

Disturbed Burial brings Tetzimoc back from the Yugioh gy over and over again because death is no escape from my worldly desires. Eventually, once your opponents’ spirits are broken and you’re swimming in black mana and altars, you can loop Tetzimoc, Decimator of Wills with Disturbed Burial to really kick ’em while they’re down and malnourished.

Null Brooch is an insanely valuable card that I never saw before researching dumb stax cards for the deck. Being able to Negate in mono-black once per turn is absurdly powerful when you have evil enchantments you need to protect and cards you want in the discard pile. I’m going to add this card to many decks and think fondly to the older gentleman I was playing against at my LGS who transformed into a raging color pie elemental after I Mana Tithe’d him.  

Wincons 

I’ve been running a handful of wincons since nobody wants to sit around in a basement not being able to do anything tied to a chair ha ha that’d be awful. 

Starting with the only non-combo wincon, we’ve got Revel in Riches. While I’m fully aware that the card does literally nothing and your opponents should just let it resolve, it’s rumored to be a great pay off for Tetzimoc wipes.  

Onto Ornithopter, we have an infinite colorless mana setup by saccing the sad wannabe bird to Ashnod’s Altar, then retrieving it with a Thresholdered Decaying Soil. From there you can go nuts with Exsanguinate or Torment of Hailfire. This one’s also kinda slow since you need threshold to be online with a little padding to offset the card’s downside, which is why we’re running jerk cards to stall the game until we can get our thopter foundry online. 

If you just want to win the card game like the little punk you are, I packed a Painter’s Servant Grindstone Lunchables in your backpack. You can easily replace these to lower the power level and lessen the consistency of tutoring for two low-CMC combo pieces, but it’s nice to have a backup for when you need to back out of a game since you haven’t seen your family in weeks and they’re probably really worried about you. 

Weaknesses 

The current build can feel durdly, as if its Achilles tendons have been cut and is hardly being fed. There are a plethora of draw engines built in alongside pretty much every black tutor to catch you up on arithmetic, but if you’re unable to slam down Necropotence it can be slow. 

There’s also a lack of spot removal since the deck revolves around board wipes. We have Arcane Lighthouse, Detection Tower, and Shadowspear to weaken creatures who resist Tetzimoc by shattering their kneecaps, but resilient creatures can be a major thorn in your side.  

Conclusion 

Tetzimoc, Primal Death is a strange beast that’s tricky to tame in the format that wasn’t built for him. I believe that, through your generous contributions, we can break this guy out of the allegorical prison of mediocrity using the bolt cutters of greed on the locked cellar door of the USO Theater at North Wing wait no come on it’s–

Tetzimoc Cleans Up The Battlefield, Your Wallet, And Your Fingerprints

Commander (1)
Creatures (14)
Instants (4)
Sorceries (10)
Artifacts (18)
Enchantments (19)
Planeswalkers (1)
Lands (33)

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Naomi Krause

Naomi Krause

I write jokes about videogames and sometimes card games too okay?? Aboshan is my best friend, follow me @growboobsownno1 to see when I write thoughtful strategic journalism.