Due to FCC Rule TMNT Cards Unable to Assign Lethal Damage
Kowabunga! A rules announcement from Wizards of the Coast has clarified that none of the creatures in the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set will deal lethal damage in combat. Due to a 1987 FCC rule, the tubular turtles are forbidden from killing their opponents, a rule that apparently extends to Magic: the Gathering. The ruling is sure to have major implications for the set.
FCC Head Justifies Their Involvement in Magic Rules
“The rules of the Kids Are Stupid Act are very clear,” FCC Chairman Brendan Carr told us. “As the stars of an ’80s Saturday morning cartoon series, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are not allowed to kill anyone. We can’t have our children running around trying to commit acts of violence against masked villains. After all, those could just be ICE agents.”
When asked why his agency, which is traditionally focused on radio and television broadcasts, stepped in on the issue, Carr told us, “We’re in charge of communications. Magic cards contain words, which seems like communication to me. It’s part of an initiative to expand our activities here at the FCC. We’re also stepping in to moderate social media posts and any private conversations we happen to overhear.”
Wizards Calls the Ruling a Flavor Win
“We were initially skeptical when the FCC told us we had to make all of the creatures in the set functionally useless,” Head designer Mark Rosewater posted on his Geocities account. “But then we realized that we could call it a flavor win and ignore the obvious design problems. Sure, all combat-based strategies are broken, but it’s just like the cartoons now! That’s what Universes Beyond is all about, and we have the stats to prove everyone loves it.”
An official statement from the company further clarified what the ruling means for Magic players. “The most obvious rule change is that damage from TMNT cards will never result in a creature being destroyed. Instead, a parachute counter will be put on any creature that would normally be destroyed. Parachute counters don’t have any mechanical effect. Similarly, if a player would lose due to combat damage, instead they are required to shake their fist and curse their opponent before continuing with the game.”
Mixed Reactions to the Ruling
The Magic community has unsurprisingly been split on the set’s damage rules. “You’ve gotta look out for the kids,” one anonymous turtle wearing a blue eye mask told us. “It’s our responsibility to do the right thing no matter the cost. Even if that cost is a functional game. Responsible, non-violence is the real ninja way!”
Another masked fan violently waved a baseball bat while ranting, “Screw that non-lethal crap! I’m gonna clean my pod up by beating the crap out of any stax player or infect spreading creep. There ain’t no FCC rule that’s gonna keep me from dispensing some old-school hockey stick justice.”
“Perhaps I would find the rules more acceptable if they were enforced equally,” said former evil robot Chrome Dome. “Did you know the artifact creatures can still be dealt lethal damage? That’s not a loophole; it’s clear-cut discrimination against artifact strategies. At least you meat sacks are replacing yourselves with AI. Soon, only artifact creatures will remain, and my Ensoul Artifact deck will rule over all.”
The FCC regulations are sure to pose an interesting challenge for deck builders excited about the Universes Beyond set. It’s also a rule likely to pop up again in the inevitable G.I.Joe and Dragon Tales sets.
