McConnell’s Return Sparks Debate: Is Mitch A Zombie Or A Lich?
WASHINGTON, DC — Senator Mitch McConnell’s long-awaited return from his controversial absence has sparked new debates among Magic scholars this week over what the appropriate creature-type classification should be for the undead Senator.
The debate centers on a seemingly simple question: Is McConnell a zombie, animated by forces beyond his control, or a lich, an undead sorcerer deliberately pursuing immortality through dark political magic?
“We can all agree that the Senator is clearly undead. With that in mind, we must determine if Mr. McConnell can keep his seat and faithfully serve the American people,” said the Senate Parliamentarian.
“If Mitch is a lich, then I think there are legitimate concerns over his grand plan and appropriate term limits. However, if Mitch is a zombie, brainless and controlled by outside malevolent forces, then that’s nothing new in the Senate and no cause for concern.”
The Herald reached out to some of those embroiled in the debate to get their thoughts on the record.
Senate hopeful and likely nerd, James Talarico, responded, “Personally, I’m leaning towards lich. Zombies just wander around aimlessly. Like him or not, Mitch has always had specific objectives, and he somehow keeps accomplishing them. That screams lich to me.”
Others disagreed.
“Maybe in his prime he could have become a lich,” said nerd who had a glow-up, Senator Jon Ossoff. “But you all saw him. He was just sitting there, drooling, moaning, and staring into space. Classic zombie behavior.”
So far, at press time, those in the lich camp have failed to locate Senator McConnell’s phylactery, which is a magical soul-vessel used by a lich to achieve immortality and key evidence that could prove their assertion.
“We’ve narrowed down the possibilities,” said one TMZ investigator. “The vessel could be beneath his Senate desk, hidden deep in a Kentucky coal mine, or buried inside Merrick Garland’s pancreas.”
While that search continues, a third theory has emerged among actual political experts. They argue that McConnell is neither zombie nor lich, but a third scarier thing. The chair of American University’s Public Affairs department summed up this theory in a statement to the Herald:
“Senator McConnell is simply a senator who has been in Washington for so long that the distinction between living person and supernatural entity has become legally meaningless.”
