Counterspell Remains in Chuck Schumer’s Hand Uncast for 10th Consecutive Turn
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is, according to an anonymous Senator with a pair of Glasses of Urza, currently holding a copy of Counterspell in his hand, and yet is refusing to play it.
“He’s had it in his hand for the past ten turns, and he always has the mana for it,” said our source, who chose to remain anonymous. “But he refuses to actually counter anything that the President casts.”
Schumer, an infamous do-nothing monoblue “draw go” player, has been assumed to have a counterspell in hand since the game essentially began, as he is known to run several that he never activates. But while there has been public debate over whether Schumer actually had a counterspell in hand, those of us at the Commander’s Herald can confirm that he has been holding one for the past several turns.
The news has spread like wildfire on online public spaces, with many pundits and even Congressional candidates weighing in.
“The news is not particularly surprising, but it is very disappointing,” says former Illinois Congressional candidate and Boros player Kat Abugazaleh, whose very narrow election loss presumably has nothing to do with AIPAC spending one million Treasure tokens making last-minute attack ads against her in one week. “Schumer didn’t cast Counterspell when Donald Trump cast Propaganda, with that ugly and clearly AI-generated custom art. Schumer didn’t cast Counterspell when Trump resolved Expropriate and used public money to enrich himself and take extra turns. We all know that Trump’s teammate Pete Hegseth is trying to cast Armageddon. What spell is Schumer waiting for? Demonic Consultation? Worldfire? He’s just not doing his job!”
“The President may unfortunately be able to resolve a Worldfire, if he has the mana to cast it,” said Schumer, when interviewed directly. “We’re all against him doing it, of course, and I’ve given him many stern warnings against casting such a devastating spell at the American public. But ultimately, he is the Monarch–I mean, President–and we humble blue players can only do so much.”
We attempted to press Schumer about his inaction regarding his Counterspell, why he did not cast it in response to Trump’s castings of Propaganda, Expropriate, Smothering Tithe, or even Demolish, targeting the White House.
“Unfortunately, in each of those cases, I did not have any open mana,” said Schumer, laying his elbow on the table to cover up his two untapped Islands, which had been gathering dust.
“To be candid, I’m thrilled that Schumer has been so hesitant,” said Vice President and total loser J.D. Vance, who used to actually for real play a Yawgmoth’s Bargain deck and enjoyed it. It really happened, look it up. “It would make our administration’s goal of resolving every single spell in the EDHREC’s 100 Saltiest Cards list–at the American public’s expense, of course–much harder. We know he’ll make threats and try to politick all day long, but at the end of the day, we’re casting the spells we want to cast, and almost all of them are land destruction targeted directly at your house.”
When this reporter asked Vance if he meant her house, specifically, Vance only gave her an ominous look and said “Guess we’ll find out, won’t we?”
When asked about a theoretical situation where he would actually cast his Counterspell, Schumer stared into the middle distance for several full minutes, humming.
“I suppose, if he tried to cast a removal spell on my Commander, I might consider it,” Schumer finally said. “But I can’t say for certain. I’d have to think about it in the moment.”
Schumer’s Commander is Baral, Chief of Compliance, who may allow him to draw another counterspell when he plays the one in his hand–but until Schumer finally taps those two Islands, we cannot be sure.
House Minority leader Hakeem Jeffries, who also plays Baral, briefly stunned the nation by casting Lose Focus and paying its Replicate cost a staggering eight times back in July of last year–but he has lost all of that good faith since. Jeffries, despite that history-making play, also agrees with Schumer’s inaction.
“We’re really focusing on the next game of Commander at this point,” says Jeffries, “where we might have some more blue players in the pod. Maybe then one of us will have enough mana for a counterspell when the American public needs it most.”
Jeffries also had two untapped blue mana, and seven cards in hand.
