Carmen Klomparens This Close To Recommending a Photo Printer
(Disclaimer: Carmen Klomparens did not actually say any of these things. It’s obviously a joke. C’mon.)
Renton, Washington — After Hasbro’s announcement of a multi-year deal with Warner Bros. Discovery and J.K. Rowling to further merchandise Harry Potter (despite those dogshit spin-off movies bombing), local game designer Carmen Klomparens is this fucking close to recommending that you just buy a photo printer, man. “Now, obviously, I can’t just recommend that you just print out all the cards that I helped design,” the current and hopefully future member of Magic: The Gathering’s design team explained, “but Jesus Fucking Christ, what the hell. Obviously, I want to keep my job and to keep earning a paycheck, but I would also like Rowling to lose her mold-infested home, so I’m at a bit of an impasse here.”
This deal came as a shock to many Magic: The Gathering fans, not only because nobody has given a shit about Harry Potter since 2011, but also because the game’s diverse fanbase stands at staunch odds against Harry Potter’s IP controller J.K. Rowling’s black, hate-infested heart. “Wait, people still want to see more Harry Potter garbage?” asked LGS owner Barry McLean. “A bunch of my customers made a huge stink about me carrying Ultimate Guard boxes that had the stupid fake ‘nerd/jock/stoner/prep’ houses on them. If they get pissy about me carrying anything Hasbro related I’ll have to set up a printer farm downstairs. Or worse, start carrying Yu-Gi-Oh.”
“Now, obviously, none of our employees will ever outright recommend that you steal or pirate our copyrighted works in any way,” explained John Hight, President of Wizards of the Coast, “That’s a sure-fire way to get a real talking-to from the higher-ups. But there’s nothing in the rules about recommending their favorite photo printers, lamination services, or custom playing card creators. If someone politely asks one of our designers for the best way to print out business cards that happen to have pictures of wizards on them, who’s to stop them? Totally unrelated, but our lawyers actually told us that it’s impossible to trademark game rules and text. Crazy, right?” Throughout our interview, Mr. Hight appeared to have something in his eye that caused him to wink over and over.
J.K. Rowling, who invited Jeffrey Epstein to see her stage show and took multiple trips to the island where he committed unthinkable and uncountable sex crimes against children, declined to comment.
