Aetherdrift Jank Rank - Part 1
Get Ready, Get Set, Get Set, Get Set...
I'm Michael Celani, and welcome to the Aetherdrift Jank Rank! I've been writing jank ranks as an annual wrap-up for the past couple of years, but this year I decided I'm going to release one every single set (in addition to the white cards). I'm reviewing every single commander in the set, and that is a lot to do, it turns out. A janklord's work is never done, and it's so never done that we're splitting this up into two parts.
To make things easier, I've decided to talk about three separate criteria for each commander:
Satisfaction
This section discusses whether or not you'll experience fun play with this commander in the command zone, or in other words, if you're likely to feel satisfaction in "doing the thing." Power and consistency are often the closest analogue to that for most people, so I'll often talk about the power of the commander here.
Jankability
This is how much potential the commander has for creativity. In this section, I'll offer my own insights on jank, as well as unique decks you could build with the given creature at the helm.
A quick note on this category: you might think that a pure value commander, which consistently draws you cards, has more potential for jank than any other commander because it enables you to play your deck without having to worry about the engine keeping it running. But the truth is that creativity is borne out of restriction; you need some sense of direction to come up with truly interesting ideas. I've been doin' this for years, so you can trust me on this one.
Uniqueness
Finally, I'll bring up if the commander reminds me of any other commander, or if the strategy it offers is unique throughout the Commander ecosystem. Confusingly, it's possible for a commander to have both high uniqueness and low jankability; such a commander is laser-focused in what it does, it's just that no other commander really does what it does (think Darien, King of Kjeldor
With the rules set, let's get going: here's the Aetherdrift Jank Rank!
Basri, Tomorrow's Champion
Basri, Tomorrow's Champion
Satisfaction: What a waste of the command zone! He doesn't do anything half of his turns. Did we really need to add exert to the cost? Maybe it would be backbreaking in Limited, but I can't get over how dirty this does my boy Gideon-at-home.
Jankability: The best I can think of is the Campfire
Uniqueness: Speaking of one mana, the top three commanders at that price who aren't some sort of partner are Norin the Wary
Sundial, Dawn Tyrant
Wake up, ladies and gentlemen, new Watchwolf
Satisfaction: Even in the realm of vanilla commanders, I don't think +1/+1 is worth the one-mana premium over Isamaru, Hound of Konda
Jankability: Playing a vanilla commander is arguably inherently jank, because you could pick literally anything else to put the command zone, but even in the realm of vanilla commanders I'm unimpressed. A 3/3 simply isn't interesting no matter how you slice it; you can't do anything unique with that stat line.
I suppose there's a world where this becomes the premiere everything costs two deck, like how some people build Isamaru, Hound of Konda
Uniqueness: Saying a vanilla 3/3 is unique would be a lie and you know it.
Caelorna, Coral Tyrant
For some reason, 0/8 is a substantially more interesting statline than 3/3 to me. There's more you can do with Caelorna, Coral Tyrant
Satisfaction: Don't get me wrong, this is still a vanilla 0/8, and it'll probably be miserable to play with. It's just more interesting than some of the alternatives this set.
Jankability: Lacking a second color really hurts Caelorna, Coral Tyrant, since that's where some of the best effects for big butts lie. Azorius and Simic would give you a lot of ways to cause your creatures to deal damage based on their toughness, while Izzet can make low-power creatures unblockable while unlocking more power/toughness inversion spells. Your best bet here is probably Reverse the Polarity and friends, though few such spells exist in blue alone. I guess Imperious Mindbreaker is kinda cute?
Uniqueness: There's enough toughness-matters commanders out there for the aspiring builder to have to make choices, but none of them are quite so... laconic.
Mu Yanling, Wind Rider
Mu Yanling is the planeswalker nobody predicted was coming back for Aetherdrift. She debuted in Global Series: Jiang Yanggu & Mu Yanling... but you knew that; after all, Global Series was such an iconic line that it got a full one installment. Their titular characters reappeared in War of the Spark and have been finding their way into sets ever since.
Satisfaction: Vehicles need a lot of help in Commander; ideally, you find some way to ameliorate their crew costs, because it turns out that tapping creatures is a much bigger downside when you have two additional enemy turns to get through. Giving your Vehicles flying helps, sure, but you're still at the mercy of getting enough high-power creatures out to crew in a color that's really not suited for the task.
Thankfully, Mu Yanling, Wind Rider is rescued by her last line, where each player you smack with a flyer draws you a card. That's up to three cards a turn, which is significant, so you might be tempted to eschew Vehicles entirely and show up with a cavalcade of Flying Men. At that point, I don't know what Mu Yanling, Wind Rider wins you over Edric, Spymaster of Trest, who is one mana cheaper, lacks a per-player restriction, has an additional color, and doesn't stipulate that Red Bull gave your attacker wings.
Jankability: Mu Yanling, Wind Rider has Do-The-Thing Syndrome, where it pushes you to Do-The-Thing by making Doing-The-Thing easier and giving you some sort of reward for Doing-The-Thing, which is usually (but not always) drawing a card. Commanders with Do-The-Thing Syndrome are value engines, just a bit more directed than open-ended.
If I had a machine that cranked out playable Vehicle commanders, this would probably be the default setting, because nobody's reading this and thinking "Wow, my cars get flying and draw cards when they hit a player? Be still, my beating heart!"
Uniqueness: I thought immediately of Katsumasa, the Animator, which is another creature that gives Vehicles flying. I feel like they fulfill the same idea in different ways.
Vnwxt, Verbose Host
Gesundheit.
Vnwxt, Verbose Host is the strongest of the start your engines! commanders, as it comes down practically immediately, has the stats to be a decent blocker while you set up, and (most importantly) has a max speed payoff that's actually worth working towards.
For most purposes, you'll need a minimum of three turns to hit max speed; you gain two points on your initial turn (since you can damage a player the same turn you start your engines!), and then the subsequent two points take one turn each. You can speedrun shifting gears if you have some sort of trigger-doubler, like Strionic Resonator, but since Vnwxt is so cheap, don't bother. Fill your deck with enough one-cost Flying Men to make Mu Yanling, Wind Rider Edric, Spymaster of Trest envious, then scrap a few times to get a Thought Reflection for less than a third of the cost.
Satisfaction: A well-constructed Vnwxt deck practically guarantees turn-four max speed in the way that a well-constructed Tamiyo, Inquisitive Student deck flips her turn two. Drawing twice the cards from every source as early as turn four is obviously absurd and therefore fun, and best of all, your opponents can't reasonably shut down your commander because you can easily recast it without losing any of your speed.
Jankability: This is a generic value engine. The best you could do would be varying the way you ultimately reach max speed - pingers, weird stax pieces -- but it's all in service of unlocking double draw instead of any purer, janker purpose.
Uniqueness: Max speed is certainly new, but Vnwxt is effectively a wrapper around unblockable creatures and draw-two-or-more cards payoffs, which isn't a new strategy by any stretch.
Gonti, Night Minister
Gonti just can't stop stealing shit, and now he's getting the four of you in on the action, like he's Old Man Fagin and you're a table of starving orphans.
Satisfaction: Raw power is not the metric by which you should judge Gonti, Night Minister. If your goal is to win the game, then extending a massive source of card advantage as an olive branch to all of your opponents for free is objectively terrible. If your goal is to win, then play another commander.
Remember, he's a politics commander that attempts to redirect attacks in the direction of your enemies, and, like all politics commanders (and frankly, politicians in general), the best way to deal with them is to ignore their silver tongue and punch them with no remorse. "You should hit that guy! You'll get free cards!" you bluster, as your opponent bears down on you with the might of five hundred Soldiers and Steve. "I never needed my opponents' cards," they respond, turning their creatures sideways. Smash cut to you in the hospital with a comical amount of bandages covering your skull.
So, let's judge Gonti on whether or not he can create an interesting enough game when you play him. And honestly, the fact that everybody's getting the top card and not making some kind of choice at exile-time is a bit sad.
I understand that choosing a card for every attacking creature would be an unbearable time sink, but it's missing that je ne sais quoi the original Gonti, Lord of Luxury had. Choices are deferred to cast-time, and since players pilfer cards for each attacker that connects, you'll often find you just happen to have what you need instead of being rewarded for a smart decision earlier. I would have loved if this Gonti was limited to triggering once per player, but gave an original Gonti, Lord of Luxury effect on hit, so that you had to talk, strategize, and think instead of eating it all like a revolting slob.
And of course, all that is assuming you don't play in pods of isolationist combo-slingers who avoid going to combat at all costs by faking back problems like my dad did in the seventies. There are games where Gonti, Night Minister does nothing at all, and that's sad.
Jankability: Playing with an opponent's deck is practically as far away from jank as you can get, because you're even robbed of the choices you make during deckbuilding, let alone in the game itself. The only way you could call Gonti, Night Minister jank is if you can make the argument that theft itself is inherently jank, and given that we've had several precons based around it, I'd argue it's not. Theft is just a generic value engine in disguise.
It's a shame black can't punish artifacts entering or being used all that well, or otherwise sniping someone over the incoming Treasure tokens coulda been fun.
Uniqueness: There's been a few commanders out there that have encouraged everyone to commit a little larceny, such as Rocco, Street Chef and Ian Malcolm, Chaotician, but this is the first one that puts the power squarely in the hands of each player's combat ability.
Kalakscion, Hunger Tyrant
Kalakscion wins the Most Fun to Say Out Loud Award of this cycle. Just try it: kəˈlæksiɪn! And if you insist to me that it's actually kæl'æk.saɪ.an, then you're the Hindenburg disaster of the English language. Deeply held political beliefs aside, at least we can all agree it's more fun to say than the absolute tongue twister that's Sundial, Dawn Tyrant.
I'm seriously stretching for something to say about a 7/2, huh?
Satisfaction: Seven power at three mana at least gets you square in the three-hits-to-kill zone, and it's the first creature at this power and price point that doesn't come with some sort of ridiculous downside. I want to give it +4/+0 and double strike.
Jankability: Kalakscion, Hunger Tyrant is actually well-statted enough that you can conceivably build a coherent deck around him. Double strike? Go for it. Fear? You bet. Infect? Now we're talkin'.
Uniqueness: It's not quite as Yargle and Multani as later entries on this list, but it is somewhat Yargle and Multani.
The Speed Demon
Little on the nose, don't you think? The Speed Demon, who doesn't have haste, can draw you up to four cards at the beginning of your end step. You'll lose that much life, too, but we move fast and break things here.
Satisfaction: Though you'll need to wait until at least turn seven to reach max speed, you're effectively playing two Phyrexian Arenas the turn it comes down, and because it's an end step trigger, you can use those cards immediately. Okay, well, you'd have to pay for them, but at least you could theoretically use those cards immediately. That means as long as you can cast The Speed Demon, you're avoiding a non-game.
Jankability: Like Vnwxt, Verbose Host, we've got another generic value engine here, but unlike Vnwxt, this one's radical.
Uniqueness: Somehow, the presence of Vnwxt, Verbose Host and The Speed Demon in the same set brings them both down a little. Plus, black has already had access to absurd end-step draw engines, such as Braids, Arisen Nightmare, so I'm not too wowed.
Daretti, Rocketeer Engineer
Aw, yeah! Daretti is back, and he's doing exactly the same thing he was doing ten years ago. Honestly, goals; I hope I'm doing the exact same thing in ten years, minus the crippling stomach ulcers.
Satisfaction: What type of game you'll get out of Daretti, Rocketeer Engineer is directly proportional to how busted the stuff you're bringing back is. Reusing Ichor Wellspring and Servo Schematic over and over? Sure, that's pretty low power, and fun in a low power game. Turn one Sol Ring + Lion's Eye Diamond into Portal to Phyrexia? You absolute monster.
Jankability: If you can apply a good restriction to your deckbuilding, then Daretti, Rocketeer Engineer is a great jank enabler. Find a jank theme and stick to it; honestly, enters-and-dies kindred, like Ichor Wellspring, would be the way I'd do it. I'd require every artifact in my deck "must do something when it enters and must do something when it dies," and see how far I can get with a toolbox strategy.
Uniqueness: I mean, it's just Daretti, Scrap Savant, right? A precon commander? It's just a Daretti, Scrap Savant Titan.
Hazoret, Godseeker
Godseeker is a rather lackluster epithet for an actual God. Why doesn't Hazoret just look in a mirror? Is she stupid?
Satisfaction: Focusing on just the tap ability, Hazoret, Godseeker is Ragged Playmate: same mana cost, same cost to activate, and same effect. That's pretty damning, especially since Hazoret, Godseeker is a mythic and Ragged Playmate is a common. Think about it: if we were to elevate Ragged Playmate to godhood, what powers would they reap from their sudden apotheosis? Apparently, only indestructible, haste, and +3/+1.
Oh, and you can't actually use any of that for combat until you get to max speed, which will take a little time. I suppose it starts your engines pretty early on into the game, but the only worthwhile effect in the color that cares is probably Howlsquad Heavy, locking you into yet another flavor of Goblins. I feel like I'd always be left wanting.
Jankability: There's some options here, though. Combat tricks and activated abilities that temporarily increase power are the best plays, because you can activate Hazoret, Godseeker to make a creature unblockable for the turn and then increase their power to astronomical levels. Any deck that would genuinely consider Infuriate is jank in my book.
Uniqueness: The ability to make creatures with power 2 or less unblockable is ubiquitous, both on creatures and off of them. Maybe you're thinking that it's neat to have it on a commander, but I have to dock five full points given that Subira, Tulzidi Caravanner exists.
Tyrox, Saurid Tyrant
Smash. Wait a tick, this is the Jank Rank, please ignore --
Satisfaction: The fact that Tyrox, Saurid Tyrant dies to anything that can block is a really depressing prospect. Why have all this power if you can't use it?
Jankability: Well, he's beating out Sundial, owing to his ability to immediately enable Ferocious; that's actually a relatively present mechanic in red, and a jank one to build around. It's unfortunate he doesn't have access to green.
Uniqueness: You know who else is a 4/1 for two? Dandân. Some good company to have.
Nissa, Worldsoul Speaker
Nissa, Worldsoul Speaker is the Magic equivalent of a loyalty card at your local Portillo's. Play four lands, get a free small Cake Shake1!
Satisfaction: Despite the fact we're in the realm of getting free stuff, I find Nissa, Worldsoul Speaker lacking. Assuming you're running a lot of fetchlands and a smattering of actually good ramp, it still takes quite some time before you can play a single permanent gratis... and that permanent card has to be cast instead of merely being plopped onto the battlefield, so despite everything, you're still vulnerable to Counterspell.
Not to mention the fact that your ramping also makes the cheating less and less impactful as the game goes on, since you'll eventually be able to outright pay for whatever you want to scam out instead. Nissa, Worldsoul Speaker doesn't really let you do the thing, and frankly, there are better Landfall triggers; put this in the ninety-nine of Tatyova, Benthic Druid and be done with it.
Okay, fine, if you really want to cheat stuff out in the command zone, then go big with Ghalta, Stampede Tyrant, or consistently get a free permanent (including lands!) once per turn with no setup required via Kona, Rescue Beastie. Or better yet, play one of the fifteen thousand reanimator commanders and go through the graveyard like a God-fearing citizen.
Jankability: The fact you still cast the spells means you get full power from stuff like Eldrazi, but that ship sailed long ago with Ulalek, Fused Atrocity. That leaves one last avenue for jank, and honestly, my respect for this list goes up the more unplayable mono-green energy garbage you shove into it. I want to see a free Aetherflux Conduit off of Nissa or no dice!
Uniqueness: With Ghalta, Stampede Tyrant, Kona, Rescue Beastie, and even Myojin of Life's Web, green has no shortage of ways to cheat stuff out for free. I mean, what's next, straight-up Elvish Piper in the command zone?
Oviya, Automech Artisan
Oh, God dammit!
Satisfaction: Well, for what it's worth, I like Oviya, Automech Artisan a fair bit more than Kona, Rescue Beastie, if for no other reason than consistency. Sure, you lose the power to cheat out most artifacts, enchantments, lands, and the irrelevant permanent types, but at least this version doesn't require you to include a bunch of Vehicles and Mounts for no reason other than tapping your commander down.
Oviya's minor upsides are also worth mentioning. If your deck is full of Vehicles or artifact creatures, then they'll come out noticeably stronger than if you'd cast them. She also gives trample to anything attacking your opponents for no reason, so maybe you can trick your opponent into pointing that 20/20 Ooze somewhere other than your face.
Jankability: What she makes up in consistency over Nissa, Worldsoul Speaker, she loses in jank potential. Such is the nature of my craft.
Uniqueness: With Ghalta, Stampede Tyrant, Kona, Rescue Beastie, and even Myojin of Life's Web, green has no shortage of ways to cheat... wait, I feel like I'm repeating myself.
Terrian, World Tyrant
Terrian, World Tyrant has to be the saddest of the Vanilla Five, because it's entirely overshadowed by Yargle and Multani. Oh, it tried -- it costs one less mana -- but you sacrifice half the power and colors of Yargle and Multani in exchange for that paltry discount. Nobody is going to look at that calculus and choose the Dinosaur Ooze.
Satisfaction: You'd think I'd be on board like I was with Kalakscion, but nope, five mana is too much. To justify that price point on a vanilla creature, it really needs 11 power for the two-hit KO. And you're in green, where overstatted creatures are nothing special.
Jankability: And to make things worse, nine power isn't even low enough for the Yargle and Multani strategy of punches and Return of the Wildspeaker value engines to become jank. They're still good, just not "draw eighteen cards" good. It's like Wizards chose the most precise combination of numbers in a lab to kill my interest in this thing.
Uniqueness: I feel like by now you should know who this reminds me of.
Mendicant Core, Guidelight
I need to stab someone! Where's my stabbing knife?
Satisfaction: Unlike practically every other start your engines! card, Mendicant Core, Guidelight is actually playable outside of max speed. In fact, I'm considering the Replication Specialist effect as gravy. You'll eventually get to that point, but it's not a mad dash like, say, Vnwxt. This alone makes me feel like you'll always get good games with this guy.
The most obvious build is as an Equipment Voltron build. After all, this is a two-mana commander that basically reads "Mendicant Core, Guidelight gets +1/+0 for each Equipment you control," so getting up to a lethal power should be trivial. Add in a few choice anti-blockers, like Key to the City and Suspicious Bookcase, and you're golden.
If you're not going the Equipment Voltron route, then flooding the field with token artifacts is trivial in Azorius, especially if you're willing to investigate. The go-wide tokens strategy also works wonders if you fill your deck with affinity for artifacts spells.
Jankability: Mendicant Core, Guidelight has a mild case of Do-The-Thing Syndrome2, but I can ignore it for now, because ladies and gentlemen, we have a Mycosynth Lattice deck. Drop it and tap Giver of Runes to grant Mendy protection from colorless, and you will end a life.
Uniqueness: Makes me wonder why the devotion-equals-power commanders from Theros Beyond Death aren't more popular. Having your commander get serious buffs from other things daring to exist seems like a lot of fun.
Winter, Cursed Rider
Woof, cursed is right. All Winter can do is make spot removal of artifacts slightly more of a nuisance and wipe the board of nonartifact creatures... but only once.
Satisfaction: I'm just not seeing it. The best Winter outcome I can imagine is massacring every enemy creature and swinging for lethal, but practically every other artifact creature commander I can think of doesn't force you to set up your graveyard before running roughshod over the board. Seriously, what can Winter do that an In Garruk's Wake can't? By the time you can actually profitably activate Winter, you're probably able to cast In Garruk's Wake outright. It'll be hell basically having your commander do nothing until that happens.
Jankability: Having a couple copies of Spellskite would be pretty funny. If they ever target something you don't like, just redirect it to a Spellskite, triggering its ward cost courtesy of Winter. If they're tricked into thinking they can stop your board control by paying the ward cost, simply toss the ball to your other Spellskite, repeating the process all over. They'll get the message pretty quick.
Uniqueness: To be fair, I didn't think of many other commanders like Winter, Cursed Rider when I first saw it. Few commanders combine artifacts matter and removal. I did remember Armix, Filigree Thrasher, and Winter feels like that card taken to a logical conclusion.
Go!
And there you have it for part one. Let me know what you think in the comments below about my rankings, and discuss your own unique ideas with these commanders! And don't forget to tune in for Part 2, coming soon!
