A Look at Goblin Flavor Text, Part 1: Talking a Good Fight

Throughout the Multiverse of Magic: The Gathering, there are few constants. 

If you're being snarky, in recent years those variations come in the form of headwear -- fedoras, cowboy hats and assassin hoods, to name a few -- but in the 30 years of Magic, design teams have worked to differentiate each plane to provide a unique setting to visit or return to. And it's worked well. Announcements of an upcoming stop in late 2025 to Lorwyn have been met with considerable enthusiasm, even though players haven't seen an earnest depiction of the plane since 2008's Eventide. In fact, in a GenCon panel last year, Mark Rosewater said there are worlds "we visited once, and we haven't come back to, and the players ask us to come back to them...well, there's one world that I get more requests than any other world...yes, we are going back to Lorwyn."

It's easy to describe each plane based on their differences. Eldraine, for example, is the fairy tale world, while Kamigawa's the Japanese folklore-inspired world. Mirrodin's the artificial metal world, and Zendikar's the adventure world. They're all very disparate in themes, visuals and mechanics. But despite these differences, there are still things that bind them together. We're not talking about the Blind Eternities, or Omenpaths. We're talking about Goblins.

Of the more than 75 current known and named planes in the Magic Multiverse, only eight are known not to have native Goblins: Amonkhet, Capenna, Ikoria, Kaldheim, Ulgrotha, Theros, Innistrad, and Kaladesh. That's not to say that the rest of them do have Goblins, but with their ubiquity, we can't make assumptions either way. It's no surprise that Goblins are so common in the Multiverse, as their presence in fantasy pop culture significantly predates Magic itself. They're a useful trope, and while the origins of that trope might not be the most savory, their interpretation in Magic is almost universal among the planes as short, hedonistic humanoid creatures of lower academic intelligence but often a heightened cleverness. 

In terms of mechanics, Goblins across the planes function similarly. While over the years, Goblins have appeared in every color of Magic and have come in a variety of shapes and sizes -- sometimes furry, sometimes armored, sometimes naked, sometimes French -- they're always more alike than not. There's also one other trait among Goblin cards that transcends their planes of origin.

The Answer is Always 'More'

It doesn't seem to matter which plane a particular Goblin is from in regards to the tone of the flavor text. More likely than not, if a Goblin card has flavor text, it's usually going to be a repository of a pun or joke at that Goblin's expense. It's just one of those universal truths that have endured throughout the three decades of Magic, starting all the way back in Alpha.

Alpha

"From up here we can drop rocks and arrows and more rocks!" "Uh, yeah boss, but how do we get down?"

If you've been around since the start, your first exposure to Goblins was by way of humor. Like many of their pop culture contemporaries, Goblins in Alpha were comedic foils that distracted from their dangerous nature: not overly threatening, like a troll or ogre, but still not something to take lightly, lest you have a rock dropped on your head. Goblins are also known to be as much a danger to themselves as they are to their prey, an attribute that comes through in fellow Alpha card, Mons's Goblin Raiders:

The intricate dynamics of Rundvelt Goblin affairs are often confused with anarchy. The chaos, however, is the chaos of a thundercloud, and direction will sporadically and violently appear. Pashalik Mons and his raiders are the thunderhead that leads in the storm.

The whole Mons line of Goblins would eventually get their own lore and heritage, but in Alpha, it was simply a way to show that Goblins were more threatening the more they worked together for a common goal. However, Goblins aren't exactly team players.

The Dark

"From down here we can make the whole wall collapse!" "Uh, yeah, boss, but how do we get out?"

Moving on to The Dark, a set like Alpha set on the plane of Dominaria, we get a smattering of Goblins that continue Alpha's established tropes of self-destructive humor, and Goblin Digging Team is a direct reference to their airborne brethren released only a year prior, this time with the boss's lack of foresight getting the team trapped underground, as opposed to in the sky, but Goblins in The Dark aren't all bad, at least in terms of brainpower:

They attacked in an orgy of rage and madness, but only one seemed as focused on killing us as on the sheer joy of battle.

With the only instance of the word "orgy" on a Magic card, The Dark's Goblin Hero is unique despite it being a vanilla 2/2 for three mana, like its more famous Gray Ogre cousin. The Goblin Hero also illustrates just how bloodthirsty (and apparently equine, according to Mark Tedin) a Goblin can be, stretching the common definition of "hero." It also raises a question of just who's being quoted in that particular flavor text: "They" are the Goblins, surely, but who is "us"? 

The reprints of the card don't do much to solve that question, despite also containing a quoted flavor text:

What's interesting in the last appearance of Goblin Hero, however, is the attribution of the quote from esteemed Goblin Hero, Biggum Flodrot, is lost:

Perhaps the intent is to ensure that any Goblin could look at itself as a hero, not just Biggum, and it's that aspiration toward greatness that possibly caused this edition of the card's famous misprint at rare, despite it actually being a common.

Going back to The Dark, it's in 1994 that we get our first look at different variations of Goblins:

Larger and more cunning than most Goblins, Scarwood Goblins are thankfully found only in isolated pockets.

Even the other Goblin races shun the Marsh Goblins, thanks to certain unwholesome customs they practice.

Is the Marsh Goblin's nakedness the unwholesome custom practiced? The vagueness of the flavor text raises its own questions, but nearly all Goblins moving forward seem to be clothed in some capacity. At least we know it's probably not related to the Dark Heart of the Wood, and as Scarwood Goblins go, the added cunning is alarming, but at least they don't seem to be magic wielders.

Mentions of Goblins were no longer restricted by the time we got to The Dark, however. Their role as pervasive little monsters led to the Goblin Wars, which, like the Great Emu War, featured a highly organized and superior fighting force up against a bunch of dumb animals:

"With a great cry, the Goblin host broke and ran as the first wave of Knights penetrated its ranks."--Tivadar of Thorn, History of the Goblin Wars

"After Lacjsi's speech, the Knights grew determined to crush their ancient enemies clan by clan."--Tivadar of Thorn, History of the Goblin Wars

If you're wondering, the Goblin Wars were, you guessed it, a campaign against Goblins. But also Orcs. The main belligerents on the Human side were Rasputin Dreamweaver along with Tivadar of Thorn, the latter of whom really, really didn't like Goblins. It's possible that that hatred might have something to do with Goblins destroying his hometown when he was young and slaughtering everyone he ever knew and cared about, but correlation isn't necessarily causation. Goblins, said Tivadar, were Humans' "true enemy," so think about that next time we get another set with Phyrexians or Eldrazi.

Fallen Empires

The Chirurgeons patched up their fallen comrades with a gruesome mix of twisted limbs and mangled flesh.

In Fallen Empires, we get some instances of multiple versions of the same card, notably our first look at a Goblin who seems employed, albeit not exactly skilled. They all have their own discrete flavor texts, too:

"I asked one of my aides how they do it, but all he'd say was, 'Trust me, Mayor, you don't want to know.'"--Lydia Wynforth, Mayor of Trokair

"Perhaps Goblins are good for something after all."--Attributed to General Khurzog

All three versions of Goblin Chirurgeon make note of the doctor's inability to doctor well, seemingly stitching pieces back on with no rhyme nor reason guiding their new location on their patient's body. We also continue to get insight into Goblin existence from outside, presumably Human, perspectives courtesy of a Mayor and General; two characters in Lydia Wynforth and Khurzog, it should be noted, who have yet to be mined for a nostalgic throwback legendary creature card in a Masters set. Maybe 2025 will be Lydia's year?

It's that human perspective that tries to make sense of the offensive tactics of Goblins, to mixed success:

"According to accepted theory, the Grenade held some kind of flammable mixture and was carried to its target by a hapless Goblin."--Sarpadian Empires, vol. IV

"I don't suppose we could teach them to throw the cursed things?"--Ivra Jursdotter

"Without their massive numbers, the Goblins could never have launched such a successful offensive."--Sarpadian Empires, vol. VI

It might actually be somewhat embarrassing that Human settlements on Dominaria seem so beset by Goblins, in the way that bedbugs might not be your fault, but their continued existence is. The problem with fighting Goblins is that, for every one you kill, two more are ready to take its place. Consider Icatia, for example. Actually you can't, because it was obliterated by an alliance of Goblins and Orcs.

Although they had long been concerned about the Order of the Ebon Hand, the Icatians faced an even greater threat from Goblin and Orcish raiders.

Icatia's once peaceful towns faced increasing attacks from Orcs and Goblins as the climate cooled. By the time the empire fell, they were little more than armed camps.

"Trained to battle the followers of Tourach, the Order of Leitbur was not as successful in later conflicts with Orcish and Goblin raiders."--Sarpadian Empires, vol. I

"The Goblins' dreaded War Drums struck terror into the hearts of even their bravest foes."--Sarpadian Empires, vol. IV

Fallen Empires also provides us with another look at Goblins' vehicle-based struggles:

Exceptionally poor sailors, Goblins usually arrived at their destination retching and in no condition to fight.

Much like the Roman army during the First Punic War, Goblins just don't know how to boat. It isn't until Zendikar that Goblins and Boats become indistinguishable to neighbors. It was the Goblins' seafaring misadventures, led by the magnificently named Pashadar Dirf, that brought them into conflict with the waters' denizens, namely the Merfolk, who, according to this art from Mark Poole, are both super-jacked and carry little people wherever they go:

"Come back, cowards! Everyone knows Merfolk can't wield magic!"--Pashadar Dirf, Goblin Flotilla Commander, last words

For one variety of humanoid creature known for living in the mountains, to one almost exclusively water-based, you wouldn't think there was much crossover between Goblins and Merfolk, but that's where you'd be wrong. Like salmon, it seems that Dominarian Merfolk head upstream to... do stuff. And those streams lead straight up them thar hills.

"Dwelling in icy mountain streams near Goblin and Orcish foes, the River Merfolk were known for their stoicism."--Sarpadian Empires, vol. V

River Merfolk is a rare, by the way.

As ridiculous as Goblins from this era are, there's something rather sinister implied by the flavor text of the fourth version of Goblin War Drums:

When creating a new War Drum, Goblin designers sought out the highest quality skulls. Serra Angel skulls were most highly prized, although most acknowledged that the skull of the exotic Sea Serpent made for a richer tone.

What do you mean, Serra Angel skulls? How does a Goblin come to acquire a Serra Angel skull? And are we to believe that despite all the evidence pointing to Goblins' utter uselessness as mariners, they can take out a Sea Serpent? Something doesn't line up here. 

Ice Age

If only it had three brains, too.

Now we're in Ice Age, and the Goblins of Dominaria become even more of the punchline to the joke of their own incompetence. It's clear that the flavor text of Goblin Mutant is a throwaway gag likely created due to the limited space leftover after the rules text, but it certainly raises a question about adding poor quality to poor quality. Would three brains, if each of them are a goblin's, really be an improvement over just one? If you put three goblins in a locked room and tell them to work together to escape, would the likelihood they succeed rise, or would you return hours later to find out they killed each other? 

Or maybe, they'd work together to sculpt a wonderful piece of art:

"Strength in numbers? Right."--Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician

We get our first mention of Ib Halfheart here, a character that, unlike Mayor Lydia, would eventually get his own card. But Ib's quote, along with the art of Goblin Snowman, has never sat right. Who, exactly, is the Goblin Snowman? Is it the traditionally crafted snowman itself, with its coal features and carrot nose? If so, would it not be a Construct, and not a Goblin? But on the card itself, we see that it's "Summon Goblins." With an S. Plural. So maybe the "Goblin Snowman" is collectively the three Goblins in the art behind the snowman? 

And what the hell is Ib talking about in the first place? Maybe on this next card, he's clearer:

"AIIIEEEE!"--Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician

Again, a simple joke sends us into a tailspin of unanswered questions. Taken in a vacuum, are we to assume that Ib is the Goblin in the background, sent loose from his skis to descend the mountain the hard way? And if Goblins are so dumb, how did they invent skiing? Did they learn it from the Sami people of Scandinavia? Are we thinking too hard about what was clearly something not intended to be analyzed 30 years later? 

Ib is a character oft quoted in Ice Age, so we're able to get a Goblinic point-of-view on a variety of topics:

"Don't look at it! Maybe it'll go away!"--Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician

"This is the fun part!"--Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician

"It's the pokey bits that hurt the most."--Ib Halfheart, Goblin Tactician

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem that Ib has anything particularly useful to tell us. Another character that would receive its own legendary creature card, Arcum Dagsson, also has something to share about Ice Age's Goblins.

"The Goblins would kill to get ahold of this one."--Arcum Dagsson, Soldevi Machinist

Ice Age's comical interpretation of Goblins isn't constrained to just that particular creature type, either. That same level of humor is present in several other cards, notably Orcish Librarian:

If this were a Goblin and not an Orc, no one would have questioned it for a second. Looking back, it's actually quite strange that it's an Orc at all, considering how much more aligned with Goblins (and less with Orcs) it continues to be today. And that copy of Naked Lunch on the shelf seems to indicate that all must serve the pun, as the plot of that particular book isn't exactly in line with the tone of the card.

Alliances

"Her soldiers' hatred for the Goblins is tempered only by their need for what the Goblins alone hold: knowledge of their mountain home."--King Darien of Kjeldor

It was a debuting Rebecca Guay's turn to provide an interpretation of Goblins for 1996's Alliances, with Enslaved Scout. It's the only Goblin in the set, but Guay provided two versions of the card, each with its own flavor text:

"Even the basest creatures may serve a purpose. Still, their lives need be only as long as the paths we tread."--General Varchild

Talk about a tonal whiplash. Going from Goblin Snowman to Enslaved Scout is about as disparate in vibe as one can get. Chronologically, Alliances, though technically the follow-up thematically to Ice Age, came after a set sandwiched in the middle, Homelands. Homelands was a set that depicted Ulgrotha, a plane with no Goblins. As for Alliances, the tone of the story is a significant shift from Ice Age: Freyalise ended the perpetual cold gripping Dominaria, and despite providing a spark of hope, the sudden climate shift brings forth many other issues, notably an influx of disease, erosion, unstable terrain, and gross crab people.

It's with the two versions of Enslaved Scout that we actually see some sympathy toward Goblins eke into their ouvre. Both General Varchild and King Darien (who here is referring to Varchild as "her") care very little about their foes' well-being, but despite what Goblins might have done to Humans in this era during the Ice Age, callousness is hard to excuse. Humans are supposed to be the more intelligent being, so it should be incumbent upon them to show mercy. 

But Alliances wasn't all grim. According to the July '96 edition of Duelist, designers tried to make the set revolve around gorillas. "As a joke, the designers seized on Continuity's proposed story line involving sentient gorillas and titled most of the cards gorilla-related names," wrote Jeff Lin in Duelist 11. "Most notable was 'Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla (Stop That),' which was later retitled Tidal Control."

Mirage

"I see a great victory and rivers of blood. And ... hmm, looks like a spleen."--Grishnak, goblin soothsayer

Heading over to Magic's ninth expansion, Mirage, we take a look at Goblins who reside in the Dominarian region of Jamuraa. Together with Visions, the set tells the tale of Jolrael, Mangara, and Kaervek's search for the missing Teferi, but we don't care about all that; we're here for Goblins. 

One such Goblin is Grishnak, who tells fortunes based on the entrails of unnamed critters, presumably other Goblins. Like the themes already established, Grishnak's evidently not very good at his chosen profession. At least, it seems that way, though to be fair if someone handed me a bucket of guts and told me to pick out the spleen, I'm not sure what level of success I could expect. Goblin Soothsayer does raise an interesting question, however, in whether Goblins like Grishnak can indeed use organs as portents, and how accurate those predictions might be. A person who does what Grishnak does, by the way, is known in Human domains as a "haruspex," and the practice is "haruspicy."

If Grishnak is indeed skilled at haruspicy, then logically we can extrapolate that, with enough practice and luck, a Goblin can actually be competent at some things. Take the Goblin Elite Infantry for example:

They talk a good fight.

Or maybe, the use of the word "elite" here is sarcastic. Another Rob Bliss depiction of a Goblin, like the Soothsayer surprisingly not overtly phallic, we see sneers and bloody implements of war. The rest of the card seems to indicate that they're terrible at fighting, actually. Apparently, though, they'll tell you otherwise:

We're elite. You're not.--Infantry motto

We skipped over it before (because it doesn't have flavor text), but the lone Goblin from Antiquities, Goblin Artisans, established the theme that Goblins and finely crafted devices don't mix. Mirage picks that theme up and runs with it:

"Can they do that?"--Imwita, Zhalfirin artificer, last words

Another bit of flavor text from a human perspective, this one reinforces the fact that Goblins are basically weaponized incompetence incarnate. Poor Imwita seemed rightly suspicious, but it was too late, and Zhalfir was short one artificer for presumably explosive reasons. This largely rhetorical question from Imwita is the only appearance of a character by that name on a card, so whoever that person is, I hope you're somewhere in Magic heaven. 

Speaking of Magic heaven, we can assume thanks to the Flotilla, Merfolk, and a few cards from here in Mirage, there's a whole Sphere dedicated to Goblins who got too close to water:

"Quick, Rhirhok--teach me to swim!"--Makht, goblin casualty

"Turn your back for a second and they just vanish! As if they weren't shifty enough before."--Rhirhok, goblin archer

We can assume that the relationship between Humans and Goblins on Dominaria has always been strained, as Hakim, Loreweaver implies:

"Across the plains, farmers who braved the mists began to vanish. Most blamed the goblins; none guessed the truth."--Hakim, Loreweaver

It's Human nature to blame perceived problems on a convenient enemy, and none are more convenient than Goblins, especially when the real problem is a semi-corporeal dragon that can gain and lose flying at will (which is called jumping, I think).

A Goblin in a big mask sends 'em running for cover

Next time, we'll pick up where we left off, heading first to Visions before going off to who-knows-where. Actually we all know where: Portal, then into the Weatherlight Saga, because that's how linear time works. 

In the meantime, let me know what your favorite bit of Goblin Lore from Part 1 was; I'm eager to hear it.

Any interesting Goblin-related stories to tell from this earliest period of Magic? As always, hit me in the comments. Until next time, the bigger they are, the harder they avoid work.