Exasperated Valgavoth Explains to Kelly Clarkson That Evil Doll Is Part of The House
Balemurk, Duskmourn — Pop singer Kelly Clarkson continues her social media rampage, now setting her sights on the great demon of The House who rules over all of us and harvests our terrors as sustenance, Valgavoth.
Following a short trip all the way from the Mistmoors to the Below, the one place where lord Valgavoth’s true body can reside, as part of a shopping trip, Clarkson supposedly had a rude encounter with the elder moth involving an evil doll. “Arabella really spoke to me. Literally. She had great ideas for my next album and I feel like we really hit it off, so I decided that she needed to be a permanent part of my entourage. But the house’s manager was beyond rude to me (and I think racially profiled me as a human), saying things like ‘How did you get into my lair? Only Victor is supposed to know how.’ and ‘Okay wait, Arabella is literally a part of the house. If you’re planning on leaving then you can’t take her with.’ So I’m encouraging all of my followers to leave the appropriate reviews of this house. All of it, the entire plane. 🍷✨☀️”
The master over all of our destinies, the great winged one had this to say in rebuttal: “Now don’t get me wrong. I LOVED Chemistry. It really spoke to my heart in a way few really can. But the way she acted was very inappropriate and, sadly, makes me think a little less of her.” He let out a deep sigh that seemed to rattle all of existence, and continued, “I can’t even open a doorway to Eldraine anymore without hordes of her fans angrily sending messages, casting fae spells, and generally just being very unpleasant to me. I’m just trying to run a simple, small business wherein I lure in hapless mortals to drink their fears for the rest of their lives. I can’t believe this is all because one of my heroes wants to take home a literal part of me. It’s heartbreaking. Also, I’m not entirely sure how she got onto social media??? I’m pretty sure I absorbed all of the phone towers a couple of decades ago…”
Once the all-powerful insect god-over-all-of-us began to wipe tears from its massive segmented eyes that see everything, a few of his most faithful directed us away to give Him some privacy. “He’s had a really bad couple of years, you have to understand. After the whole planeswalker incident, the botched race, and finding out that his only appearance in Reality Fracture was in the alchemy set as a (very cute) bug in a jar, he’s become really emotional lately.” I explained how I understood, and agreed to let the great one be, and encourage all of my readers to sometimes think of the elder demons among us who deserve to be treated with respect as well.
